It is not possible to lose something before you actually have it. The only difference is that of a baby. The moment your home pregnancy test shows the double line or spells out "pregnant", women go into a mom-zone. At least, that's what happened to me. I was overwhelmed and excited, happy and scared all together. However, life doesn't always come with happy endings. Life lessons can be difficult. That positive pregnancy test ended at six weeks with a lot of cramping, red blood and a trip to the ER at 4:30 in the morning where the doctor said "looks like you have miscarried". End of one short chapter of my book of life.
It is shocking. I won't call it devastating, because honestly when the horrible cramps came, I knew that it is over. Also, at six weeks (out of which I knew about the pregnancy in the last 3) I should never think that I bonded too much with the fetus. However, there was a heartbreak. I did not buy maternity clothes, we did not set up any nursery and we didn't even see the heartbeat. But still, I felt like my dreams crashed. I am still thinking that I would never know what he or she would have been. Would she be a girl, my carbon copy? A mix of characteristics between Arnab and me? Maybe he would have been a mama's boy... I would never know and there is no way for me to find out. This was my unopened gift. I had the gift but I never know what it was.
It is difficult, very difficult.
There are a few things I want to tell to other women who have gone through this. The first thing that comes to the mind is - everyone else is having healthy, happy babies, then why can't I have one too? The fact is that, many women go through miscarriages and some have multiple miscarriages too. This is just a normal part of pregnancy. The problem is that people don't talk about it. You see the babies after they are born, you don't see the miscarriages, neither do you see the number of years some people take to conceive. Don't use Facebook to gauge what is going on in people's lives. If you open your heart to others, they will also open theirs. In the last few days I have had friends, relatives and even not so close colleagues telling me their personal stories of loss. We are not alone...
Secondly, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. It is not your fault, it is not your partner's fault. It doesn't mean you are not healthy, it's not the reason for you not being careful enough. That extra cup of coffee did not cause this. It's also not God's will. Neither are you "not going to be a good mom". Stop any of these thoughts should they come to you. Don't listen to anyone who hints at these.
I know it is normal to grieve. It is ok to weep for the one you could never hold in your hands. It is ok to wonder where he is, what he could have become and also to wonder when you will meet him again. I think like the Rainbow bridge, there is a place for these babies too. It is wishful thinking, I know that, but it helps. There are two fur babies waiting for me at the Rainbow bridge. A few more will join them over my span of life. I am sure my Angel Baby will be with them too. I will see them when the time comes.
For the time being, the only thing I can do is to stay strong. I don't think my baby would like to see me depressed and sad. He would want to see his parents happy, the way he knew us to be for the very few weeks he was with us. The only satisfaction I have is that - he was with me for each and every second of his life and that he knows how much he is loved... loved forever.
It is shocking. I won't call it devastating, because honestly when the horrible cramps came, I knew that it is over. Also, at six weeks (out of which I knew about the pregnancy in the last 3) I should never think that I bonded too much with the fetus. However, there was a heartbreak. I did not buy maternity clothes, we did not set up any nursery and we didn't even see the heartbeat. But still, I felt like my dreams crashed. I am still thinking that I would never know what he or she would have been. Would she be a girl, my carbon copy? A mix of characteristics between Arnab and me? Maybe he would have been a mama's boy... I would never know and there is no way for me to find out. This was my unopened gift. I had the gift but I never know what it was.
It is difficult, very difficult.
There are a few things I want to tell to other women who have gone through this. The first thing that comes to the mind is - everyone else is having healthy, happy babies, then why can't I have one too? The fact is that, many women go through miscarriages and some have multiple miscarriages too. This is just a normal part of pregnancy. The problem is that people don't talk about it. You see the babies after they are born, you don't see the miscarriages, neither do you see the number of years some people take to conceive. Don't use Facebook to gauge what is going on in people's lives. If you open your heart to others, they will also open theirs. In the last few days I have had friends, relatives and even not so close colleagues telling me their personal stories of loss. We are not alone...
Secondly, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. It is not your fault, it is not your partner's fault. It doesn't mean you are not healthy, it's not the reason for you not being careful enough. That extra cup of coffee did not cause this. It's also not God's will. Neither are you "not going to be a good mom". Stop any of these thoughts should they come to you. Don't listen to anyone who hints at these.
I know it is normal to grieve. It is ok to weep for the one you could never hold in your hands. It is ok to wonder where he is, what he could have become and also to wonder when you will meet him again. I think like the Rainbow bridge, there is a place for these babies too. It is wishful thinking, I know that, but it helps. There are two fur babies waiting for me at the Rainbow bridge. A few more will join them over my span of life. I am sure my Angel Baby will be with them too. I will see them when the time comes.
For the time being, the only thing I can do is to stay strong. I don't think my baby would like to see me depressed and sad. He would want to see his parents happy, the way he knew us to be for the very few weeks he was with us. The only satisfaction I have is that - he was with me for each and every second of his life and that he knows how much he is loved... loved forever.
1 comment:
je phul na phutite, jharilo dharonite, je nadi morupathe haralo dhara, jani he jani tao hoy ni hara
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