The well loved house

I strongly believe that those people are truly blessed who still have their childhood home to come back to every year and if that is the ancestral home, then they are double blessed. Which, definitely is the case for me. In this 88-year old yellow brick house, I feel like a load is taken off me the moment I enter through the dark green heavy wooden door right under where the house number 125 is embossed.

I don't know what goes into making a house, but when it comes to making a home for five generations, I think our house has all the necessary ingredients. I am not sure how many houses in Calcutta are this well loved. How many houses of this stature exist in the city today anyway? The solid 25 inch brick walls have the capacity to shelter us from anything the world might throw at us. Those shiny red floors can brighten every spirit. To run up and down the stairs, to touch the railings and trace the shapes that they make, to spin those little things that are supposed to hold a window open once more gives me the feeling that the house is welcoming me home. I know that I can still walk blindfold all the way up the stairs to the third floor. My brain has it mastered so well. The familiar gong of the wall clock is so reassuring. That clock is also giving perfect time for almost a century now.

To come back here is to become my carefree self once more. The biggest decision I have to take now is how to decorate the Christmas tree and what ornaments to buy for it. Everything else is taken care of.

Do you remember those cordless phones? How they could be taken anywhere all around the house, but at the end of the day they were put on their cradles to be recharged? My home is like that. Wherever I may travel and roam, I need to come here for some time to get recharged.

"Wind in their hair and mud on their boots"

Of the things that please me, one of my dearest favorites is a pair of muddy hiking boots that I take off my tired feet. I did not know the pleasures of hiking until I got married and settled in Washington. The "upper left" corner (as one of my friend calls this state) of this country is a beautiful place, especially if you love Nature then you wouldn't need to look too far. Beautiful green trails attractive all year round with meadows of wild flowers, misty mountains, rain on fern leaves, ice crystals and the crunch of fall leaves under your boots will be enough to lift your spirits. I am so glad that REI tried to get everyone outdoors on the day of Black Friday. Instead of doing rounds in the shopping mall and spending money on a bunch of crap, they tried to make people go and enjoy things that come for free and actually do you good. And I can't be more grateful to have a partner who shares my enthusiasm in roaming in the wild, that the sight of a lake at the end of the hike is more attractive to him than an expensive leather jacket.

I have some dream hikes in my bucket list -

1. Wonderland trail - hike/backpack for 12-15 days. A trail that encircles Mt. Rainier.
2. Machu Picchu Inca trail - following Hiram Bingham to the "Lost City of the Incas"
3. African Safari - to the land where wild animals roam free....
4. Mount Kilimanjaro climb - to the Mountain of the Moon
5. Iceland winter adventure - maybe to find the center of the Earth?
6. And last but not the least - Mt. Everest base camp

It is difficult to explain what is so fascinating about Nature. I know of some people who (sadly) do not get inspired by Nature. One person went to the amazing Hoh Rainforest in Olympic National Park and asked his friend "ok I see the trees, now what? Do I expect the trees to dance for me?" No, they won't. The mountains won't join in a chorus, neither would the river beat the drums... actually things will be very quiet and you will hear the chirping of birds, the boom of a thunderous waterfall before you actually turn the bend and see one. If you hike along the ocean, you would take your time to see the different sea weeds and the strange and unique shape of driftwood. The main thing is to slow down. I am a goal motivated person, so sometimes I have the tendency to keep walking with the end of the trail in mind. That feeling of achievement is good, but hiking isn't a competitive sport. You don't have to prove anyone anything. Last week, this mentality made me walk past beautiful ice crystals without noticing them. Good that Arnab was behind me and he pointed them. Later I intentionally slowed down to admire the mushrooms growing on stumps of fallen trees.

Long back I received four books by National Geographic specially created for young explores. I am so glad that my uncle gave those to me, because growing up in a city in India, it would have been very difficult for me to learn to admire the little things Nature offer. The books - "Creatures of the woods" and "The World beneath your feet" had opened my eyes to look at this world from a different perspective. It taught me to love animals (despite their looks) and to make me aware of a vast and beautiful Nature.

Skinny shaming

"Do you buy your clothes at the kids department?"
"Your bones would make good toothpicks."
These have been comments that I am very familiar with. People have grabbed my wrists to show how small they are, some have also grabbed my neck to show how small it is. I have been asked why I need to work out and yes, many times I have been told to eat more or else I would be blown away by the wind. I have got many comments on photos posted on Facebook saying I look skinnier than before. The best part is when I visit India (almost annually) the same set of people ask me if I have lost more weight than the previous year. I wonder if there was any time in history when they have seen me as anything else but skinny. The fact that I am probably much healthier and have more energy than my so-called curvy counterparts escape people. Then there are some who just can't believe if I do gain weight. Even if I tell them that I have grown out of my clothes, they will confidently say that the cotton clothes have shrunk.

Why is it not ok to fat shame people even when they are using the word "fat shaming" as an excuse to lead unhealthy lifestyles but it is ok to skinny shame someone who eats healthy and is a regular hiker? No I am not "lucky", I don't starve, I am not "on a diet", it is in my genes to have a faster metabolism. You can be jealous that I drink whole milk and don't gain a pound but there is nothing that you (or I) can do about it.

It is mean to make fun of anyone's weight. I understand that people might not be meaning any harm, but a constant reminder that "you need to gain weight in order to look pretty" doesn't do good for a girl's confidence. I know very well that shopping for a watch or a bracelet is difficult. I know that there are very few clothes that I can wear (thanks Ann Taylor for your petite section). These are reminders enough and I don't need your snarky comments to add to that. I am lucky to not let these things matter and I was unfamiliar with the term negative body image until in my late twenties but considering the general population, skinny shaming can be as bad as fat shaming. If you really find someone starving herself or not eating properly explain to her why an optimum body weight matters. Yes, I am trying to gain weight, not because it will make me look nice but because I need to maintain an optimum weight in order to stay healthy as I age. I am eating well, at regular times and yes, I can indulge myself with chocolate croissants and hot chocolate if I want to without any worry. If you try to shame me because you are jealous about it, sorry! One of my friends said that it is a coping mechanism of unhealthy overweight people. I agree with her, especially after I have heard people tell me, "I used to be like you before having kids" with a sigh. But hey, you know what, my mom is still pretty slim after having me so sorry if I disappoint you by staying slim even after having kids.

Why I brought this topic up today?
1. I feel it is unfair to make anyone feel bad about the way she looks.
2. It is even more unfair when you can't call a fat person fat but can easily shout out to a skinny person from across the room telling her to eat another sandwich.
3. A healthy mind in a healthy body is all that matters.
4. I will be going to India soon and woe to that person who greets me with a "did you lose more weight?" comment this time. This is a fair warning.

Reunion!

Last Friday I was eating an Indian pizza from CanAm. When I bit into the butter chicken topping, my brain was expecting the taste of naan or porota with it, but it actually was the pizza base! It took my brain a fraction of a second to actually process the taste. The same thing happened on Saturday when I watched the All Stars cricket match between Sachin's blasters and Warne's warriors at the Dodger Stadium in LA. When the commentators were saying that it is from LA or when they were talking about the previous matches in Houston and NY, my brain processing took longer. I was expecting places like London, Sydney, Calcutta, Mohali, Lahore or could be even Dhaka, but Los Angeles!!!

You can see the edge of the baseball diamond at the end of the pitch

Cricket is something I grew up with, and most of the cricketers in the All Stars series are like old friends. Actually, I can remember their first names and faces better than I can of my old classmates. I also still remember their unique styles like Murali's eyes when he is about to bowl, Jonty's amazing dives, Shoaib's capacity to run from almost the edge of the field... pleasant memories I should say. When the players retired, of course nobody thought that we would see them again in action, and that too here in the US! It was really a dream come true.

I don't know what the best part was - it was our favorite players in action, it was fun knowing that the idea came to Sachin and Shane (Warne) and they basically called their buddies from across the globe to form the two teams, it was also the creative idea that a baseball field could very easily be turned into a cricket ground! I really liked it when the baseball comments were flashed on the giant screen during the cricket match. When there was a no ball, it read "Free hit". When Laxman missed a catch, "butterfingers" was flashed. They didn't have any when sixes were hit, so they showed "home run". Well, that works. It is the spirit that counts.

It was amazing to see the crowd comprise of people of our generation from all the cricket crazy nations. Where flags of India and Pakistan could be seen next to the Union Jack, when Sangakkara was thrashing the bowlers Sri Lankan flags waved and Indian flags waved too! In the All stars game it was difficult to really choose a team to support, though of course Sachin's team was our favorite, it still felt good when the other team did well. With Shoaib Akhter and Moin Khan on "our side" the line between the "sides" really got blurry. I heard Moin Khan shout out to Virendra Sehwag who was coming to bowl about where Muralitharan is positioned "oye, Murli zyada door ho gaya" ("Murali is way too much on the outside"). Seeing Shoaib chit chat with the other players and take selfies with the spectators opened my eyes. From time immemorial we have religiously hated the Pakistani cricket team. But is there any reason to do so? It was a moment of introspection for me that Akram, Shoaib and Moin Khan are just the same cricketers as Sachin, Sourav and Rahul. Putting them on "our side" really was a learning experience for me. The commentators also spoke like they are sitting in someone's living room. There was such a relaxed atmosphere all around that I think I enjoyed watching this match much more than a real professional one. There was another unique thing of the players speaking from the ground while the match was on. I guess it will never be possible to do at a real match because you'd lose concentration if you play and talk, but for this match it just worked fine. The frisky Jonty Rhodes was running, talking and throwing the ball at the same time :)

On a broader scale, this looked to me like a sharing of culture. The new generation of sub-continentals came to see the match, there were American friends and spouses of South Asian cricket fans, Hollywood stars came too... in the heartland of America comes a new sport. When the balls were hit high and they were making their way to the galleries, I could see the writing Dodgers with the star spangled banner next to it. A cricket ball going past the US national flag? Well yeah, that could be the beginning of a whole new era!

Live from LA!!

PS: We ordered a cricket bat on Amazon and it has arrived today. A new era of us playing cricket in USA will also start at home!

Stop getting offended

Recently, being politically correct is a huge thing because apparently people are getting offended by everything! At my previous workplace we were not allowed to put up a Christmas tree because it might offend people of other religions (though I personally don't know of a single person who said he/she will be offended by a harmless tree). We were not allowed to write "Christmas spirit" in a poster created for a toy drive, we had to write "holiday cheer". Public schools are trying to ban the word God from everything. On the other hand, a poor red paper cup has created a turmoil because Starbucks decided to do away with the holiday symbols and go with a solid color.

If you really understood what Jesus taught, a red cup wouldn't be able to shake your faith. I think that if a certain paper cup has the ability to fluster you, then you need to introspect and rethink about your relationship with God. Same goes for all those people who are offended by other people's religious beliefs. I went to a Catholic school. I had tons of classmates who were Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, Sikh and Jain. We all attended the prayer every morning and recited the Lord's prayer. None of our family got offended. None of them kicked up any row that we are being "converted" and till date, I guess all of us have a wonderful relationship with Jesus (even if we still belong to other religions). We celebrated Eid with our Muslim friends, got gifts from them and their moms sent all the amazing food for us to share. In Calcutta, since Durga Pujo is a big event, my friends from all religions and cultures enjoyed it with us. It is so silly to get offended and stay in your own bubble when you can go and enjoy all sorts of festivals with all sorts of friends.

Human beings, here's my plea to you - please stop looking at everything through a lens of politically correctness. If you truly have that much extra energy, go spend it on something worthwhile. There are major issues in the world that would appreciate your help. Go fix the Syrian refugee problem, or go help provide food and medicine in Afghanistan. Find a way to bring water in Africa in the summer heat. Find a solution to controlling population in Asia. And if you can't do any of these, then keep your mouth shut and don't add to the problems already existing in the world.

The circle of life

I was out of touch with writing for more than a month now for quite a few reasons, one being my latest fascination for candle making. However, something happened this morning which is so overwhelming (in a good way) that I thought I should write about it. The difficult part is to collect my thoughts. There are so many parts of what I am going to write and the timing of it also opened up another chain of thoughts....

Now this is the time for Durga Pujo, the greatest socio-religious festival of Bengal. Besides the religious part of celebrating Durga's victory of the demon Mahisashura, there is the social part of people, mainly married women to come back to their homes. This is the time of welcoming people back, to accept people without asking questions, to make your family feel loved. Today marks the beginning of this festival and it is this morning that I found a big piece of information about my roots.

I am famous for being the one to rake up family history. I maintain a seven generation family tree and I traveled to the other end of Calcutta to get information about my family and its distant branches. I am the one who loves to imagine about our original house in Jessore, Bangladesh. The house built in 1750s by my ancestor Indranarayan Ghosh. My great grandfather lived in that house in his childhood but after him nobody in my family cared to find the lost roots. I have a distant uncle (actually would be my something cousin somewhat removed) who lived in that house till 1950s and he told me about how it looked, how the river flowed by it and details of how they used to have a family Durga Pujo there. It stirred my imagination and I often wondered how come unlike the stories of Satyajit Ray, I have never uncovered any old letters long forgotten in old trunks. I tried my hand at writing a "historical story" following the footsteps of Saradindu (it is very difficult to write a proper story, especially if you yourself have a high bar of story quality). I loved to imagine that once I used to live in that old house, but I had no idea of how to ever find out any details about it.

                                                  ______________________________

Fast forward to 2014. I dusted off my DSLR and thought I should experiment with photography. I started uploading my photographs under the YourShot section of National Geographic and browsing other people's photographs. One day I run into a guy's profile who had posted a picture of my most favorite fish, Ilish. I found out that the photographer, Fazle lives in Bangladesh and we started talking about villages there, where our common roots are, etc. We are also connected through Facebook now. Last week, we were talking randomly when I told him that I am originally from Jessore but I have no clue how to find out about the house. He asked me if I have the address, then he can find out. Of course I have no idea of the address of an old house in a village, that too in a different country. But, I have access to technology...

This next piece is going to be an eulogy of technology in 2015. I got Google maps to help me out. I know that the region is called Bidyanandakati and the village Mangalkote. Google pointed me to the right place. I could also see the river next to it. I gave the link to Fazle and asked him if this place is next to a very famous place called Sagardari. He confirmed that yes, it is. As Fazle works at a news channel, he has reporter friends all over Bangladesh and he decided to ask the person located in Jessore, Wazed for help. "Do you have any other information about the house?" he asked me. I had no other info, but I racked my brain and told him, "that house used to have an elaborate entryway with lions on the gate. Maybe that is no more now, but ask them if they know of a mansion belonging to the family of Ghosh." The next morning, he sent me a message that they didn't even have to ask around, his friend could immediately understand what the "mansion belonging to the Ghosh family" is. I felt so proud of my lineage :)

Thanks to the Internet, to my friend and his colleague for going out of their way to find information about the family history of someone they hardly know, to my capacity of not letting go of something that I really want to find out about and to the fact that I like talking to people, this morning the first picture of my original family home reached my Facebook inbox. Wazed, being a reporter has not forgotten to ask the people living there about the family and has video recorded those :)

Spanning three countries and more than 250 years, technology has the capacity to connect human beings and empower them to a huge degree. I feel that the full circle is complete now. The story that had once started on the banks of the Bhadra river found its completion on the shores of Lake Washington. I feel that this year for Durga Pujo I may not be able to go home to Calcutta, but I have been welcomed to my original home by my ancestors.

PS: Photo credit - Wazed Khan and credit for making the connection - Fazle Rezowan Karim

On being a tomboy

Jo immediately sat up, put her hands in her pockets, and began to whistle.
"Don't, Jo. It's so boyish."
"That's why I do it."
"I detest rude, unladylike girls!"
"I hate affected, niminy-piminy chits!"

Many people are familiar with Jo's boyish nature, how she hated girlish stuff, getting dressed in laces and ribbons and how comfortable she was with boys' games, rowing boats and just being a rough and tumble sort of person. You may also be familiar with the little girl Scout. Clad in overalls, with cropped hair, she was seen with her big brother Jem and her friend Dill playing weird boyish games. They are well beloved characters from fiction and they did have quite some adventures, and I have a soft corner for those girls with scratches on their knees and muddy after a rough game with the boys. It is fun to be a tomboy.

I was looking at myself now. What am I wearing? Straight leg jeans that fit me comfortably, a shirt layered over a t-shirt, Converse shoes and no makeup. My hair is in its signature pixie style. I know pixie style can still make many women look beautifully feminine but I never spared a thought about it, because I know whatever I might try, I won't look feminine. And if I do (with loads of makeup and jewelry) I just don't feel like myself. I feel like I am trapped in someone else's body.

Psychologists say different things. Some say that if girls have been exposed to an environment where "being girly" is considered a weak thing, then in order to make up for that they become boyish. I have never felt that in life and most people already know that I am a feminist. I just think that some girls are just too comfortable in their own skins and they don't need to live up to any benchmark of "being a girl". Some psychologists say that tomboys grow up to be strong and confident people. I can totally see that. Tomboys are anyway swimming against the tide from a very young age, so they don't ever need the validation of society for anything they do. If they did not have a strong personality to begin with, they would be molded into princessy girls long back. As they look at boys as buddies and are hanging out with them at most times, they are never really on the look out to be special "girl friends". Tomboys have many more things to worry about than which boy paid attention to which girl. They are into sports and games and they love technical projects. Of course this is a generalization. You don't need to be a tomboy to do any of these, but I have seen them in myself and in a couple of my friends who were pretty boyish.

Another big thing is tomboys couldn't care less on how they look. That is why they get to wear clothes and shoes that are comfortable. My Converse sneakers don't look half as nice as high heeled pumps but they make me walk much more easily without the constant fear of hurting my hamstrings. Same about makeup and elaborate hair dos. Yes I do love my hair, but unless the top stands up like a rooster when I get ready in the morning, I don't have to use a flat iron.

Personally, I care nothing about what society or psychologists say. I like wearing my short hair, I have always been a fan of those cricketers who play better rather than those who look better, I find conversations with guys more interesting than girlish chit-chat and I like to look just the way I am. It is much more comfortable when you can be yourself. It takes a lot of pressure out of your system and makes you confident.

There are some downsides, of course when you are swimming against the current, you are bound to face difficulties. One is, when I wanted to play cricket in college I found that I run very slow compared to the boys. We can't overtake Nature. And two, you might be a misfit among girls because most of them won't share your interests. Like, I never found any girl who would join me to play cricket, neither did I find anyone with an interest in playing Need for Speed. Automatically, I had to spend more time with guys. Even now, I don't like to spend my lunch time talking about why someone's husband wants her to cook food everyday or what someone's mom-in-law told her over Skype. I'd much rather talk about science fiction and guns and scale walls. (Yes I did scale walls on my way to lunch with my work buddies.)

Life is much more interesting when you do things that you want to do instead of being told to. I found immense joy in playing with electrical circuits and mechanical structures, looking at the innards of an old clock can be as interesting as having a spa party. Life is full of fun and interesting stuff and assigning a gender to activities take that fun off. I'll end with what a friend of mine said about me. He said that when I was getting created, the angels went up to God at the last moment and said, "there's no Y-chromosome, we have to use an X"... and hence I was born in the shape of a girl.

Never have I regretted being born as a girl and I feel that women are far more superior than men, but being a tomboy can be really fun and who says you need to grow out of it into a fine lady? Just be yourself!

Back to my roots cooking

I like cooking, but it isn't my hobby. I like the idea of creating something from scratch, I like the challenge of creating something that I haven't done before, but in general, I look at cooking as a means of surviving (because you have to eat).

I like simple foods. Western food in general is way more simple to cook than Eastern food, one reason is that there are very few spices involved. Also, the process is much simpler. You can bake, or grill food which are not possible for Eastern/Indian food. Salads or simply steamed veggies are looked down upon by eastern connoisseurs. Striking the right balance between flavor and seasonings is difficult. And that is where Bengali cuisine enters into the picture.

It is true that I will be biased towards Bengali cuisine, but now after actually sampling food from (almost) all over the world I can say for certain that if I were to give a choice, I would still choose Bengali food as the best. I am not a big fan of spicy Indian food though. Also, if you make every gravy taste the same with onion, ginger-garlic paste and tomato I think that would be very unpalatable. There was a capsicum (bell pepper) recipe I looked up that had onion, garlic, ginger, tomato, coconut and crushed nuts. I could not understand what would the final thing come out as. Nowadays I see Bengali recipes like that too in newspapers. Putting ilish in a yogurt sauce itself if pretty devastating. And then if you add your own stupid concoctions to that, it just becomes a sacrilege. Before you cook something, you need to think what your end goal is. Putting every spice on hand in your food reminds me of my dorm-days, when I sprinkled garam-masala in my daal.

The best foods are the simplest ones. The ones where you actually get the taste of the main thing being cooked (unlike paneer. I still don't understand what is there to like in paneer. That blob of thing always tastes like soggy paper. It's just the gravy that you get to taste.) along with a flavor of the different spices. Adding spices to food is like adding colors to a painting. The colors need to be different enough to stand apart, but they also have to complement each other. Yesterday I made a shrimp dish called "chingri machher paturi". All it needed was mashed up shrimp mixed with shredded coconut, a little mustard oil, sliced green chillies, turmeric and salt. The process of "cooking" was to flatten out that mixture on a fry pan and heat over fire for 10 mins. That kind of food is what I like most and in order to really find those, we need to go back to our roots.

In the villages, they would try to save fuel as much as they could. So many dishes can be cooked in parallel with others. There is one where you smear pieces of fish with spices, wrap them up in banana leaves and immerse the small packages of fish in already cooking rice. By the time your rice is ready, your fish pieces are steamed as well. There is another similar one where you basically bake eggs in the heat generated while cooking khichuri.

It is true that we can't get banana leaves these days as easily as they could in the villages. But, if you think about what purpose that is to serve, you can easily come up with your own substitutions. I use Reynolds Aluminum Wrap in place of banana leaves and though I don't get the smoky smell of the leaves, it still serves my main purpose of wrapping fish or making a shell for baking eggs. Also, with these cooking in parallel, you will be saving a lot of time, money and energy :)

So the next time you invite people over, instead of making an elaborate fancy dinner, try to surprise them with a traditional home cooked authentic Bengali meal.

PS: Recipe for chingri paturi can be found here. I really like this lady and her own recipes (as well as some of her guests'). Also like the fact that she is so inherently Bengali.

Breaking the silence about miscarriages

Being ashamed is a normal human behavior. When we realize that we have done something that we should not have, or said something bad then we feel ashamed. There are valid reasons of it and when done for the right reasons, it is a good thing. It shows that we are sorry for our actions or words. How do you know your expected behavior? That is what society teaches us. Arguing loudly in public is not considered a good thing, burping at a restaurant is impolite... good manners and right behavior are taught to kids. However, sometimes society holds us responsible for things beyond our control and without even thinking if that is a valid reason to be accused of, we still feel ashamed.

One such thing that I was thinking of recently is a miscarriage. I am not an ignorant person, but even then I had an idea that miscarriages are exceptions. I saw people all around me having babies, Facebook is quite literally flooded with baby pictures. Friends' babies taking their first steps, first birthdays, etc etc. So I obviously had the idea that things go smoothly. Yes, I have heard about difficult pregnancies, but then also the babies turned out fine. So my guess was with advanced medical care that is becoming more and more affordable, pregnancy is just a normal phase of life.

Didn't I know about miscarriages? Yes, I did. Mainly from Bollywood movies where the mom with a big belly gets into a car accident or falls down after being chased by the villain and loses her baby. Instinctively we associate the mom's actions with the miscarriage.

Until I faced my own, I didn't know that a whopping 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage naturally. Yes, I wanted to emphasize the naturally part. It is like nature's way of throwing an exception and exiting the method when it knows that the pregnancy is not viable. Then I wondered why I did not know that. As I did not consider the miscarriage "my fault", I told people around me quite truthfully when they asked me why I was not replying to work emails or why I did not show up at work for three days. Then the amazing thing happened, people started telling me about their miscarriages. I was so surprised to know that this is such a common thing!! The doctor was right when she said, if you really understand how the chromosome pairing happens, you'd wonder how come there are so many people around!

Now I am coming to the main point I started with - why is it still a taboo?

The reason is IGNORANCE! People don't know why this happens, so they put the main blame on the woman. The woman assimilates the thing as her failure. A failure to serve the purpose a woman was meant to. This is crazy, but it is how things are perceived. So a woman doesn't tell people that she is pregnant until her first trimester is over. She thinks that if she has a miscarriage then it will be harder to tell people after giving them the happy news of her pregnancy. It is easier to keep quiet. The second thing is some people feel that they will have a miscarriage if she talks about it. I have read in baby forums where other expectant women are saying - "I didn't want to read a miscarriage story now that I'm in my first trimester." Why would it be scary? If you read about some illness while you are healthy, would that scare you? It's like saying, "I don't want to read about people having malaria or typhoid now that I'm healthy." Someone's experience of a pregnancy loss should not scare you, the knowledge should only empower you. I was thinking if all the women who now told me that they also experienced similar losses would have opened their heart before, how easy would it be for all of us.

Out of ignorance, people blame the woman. I have been asked this question by well meaning women, if I was doing any physical activity like running or jumping that could have caused this. One lady said, "you didn't even look pregnant. You were just continuing your life like normal." I still don't know what it is supposed to mean. How could I "look pregnant" at 5-6 weeks? And why would I change the way I behave just because I am pregnant? I repeat here again, unless you intentionally smoked or took drugs or ate uncooked seafood, don't ever blame yourself for a pregnancy loss. In early pregnancy chromosome pairing occurs and a mismatch there is the most common cause of a miscarriage. You can't stop that and you actually should not. There are other physical causes too which can be fixed like thyroid problems or other stuff like that. Whichever way, it is not your fault. Bearing a child is not a test of femininity that you need to pass.

Knowing that a lot of others have gone through this really doesn't help that much, but it only gives the idea that this is very common. Even when I am typing the words, I feel that throbbing pain inside me. So I won't tell anyone that you can get over it. Maybe people can, but at this time I haven't. So I can't advise that. Our hormonal changes would become our enemy too. And, believe me, nobody will understand what you are going through. I repeat that, NOBODY.

We need to understand the scientific reason behind this all. Like we know that conceiving a baby depends on a slim probability. If you don't conceive the first time you try would you feel horrified and think that you failed? No, right? Why? Because you know it takes time. Similarly, if you did conceive the first time, there is no reason to think you are superior that others. It is tenth grade statistics. You had no control in it whatsoever! Similarly, we need to know that miscarriage also involves this statistics. Women who have multiple kids will tell you that they had miscarriages (or more miscarriages) compared to women with a single baby. If your first pregnancy is viable and you don't plan to have any more kids, you would never know how many miscarriages you could have. Another thing for early miscarriages is that many people don't know they were pregnant yet. At 5 or 6 weeks, women with not a regular menstrual cycle will not know if they have miscarried or it was just a late period. Also, in case you are wondering that "this was a fertilized embryo, which had all the information it needed to become a human being" (I thought that personally), let me tell you, there are many fertilized eggs which do not implant on our uterus and get flushed out during our regular periods.

Even after knowing all these, you may still feel an illogical sadness. Something that defies all logic will tell you - "but that was your baby". I know that feeling. As a rational being, I feel very stupid thinking in this way. But that is the sorrow I will have to learn to live with. It is my pain, it is my sorrow. Maybe I will never get over it, maybe it will make me stronger, maybe it will change my way of thinking about many other things...I have no idea. I will just have to give it some time.

To change or not to change, that is the question…

Change is a strange thing in human life. We theoretically know that it is inevitable, we remember Darwin’s quotation, but we still try our hardest to resist it. The general tendency among people is to continue walking on the tried and tested path.

Changes in Nature

You won’t find anything stagnant in Nature. In Nature nobody tries to resist change. A butterfly doesn’t hang on to its cocoon after the due time. Flowers fall off, glaciers melt, rivers change courses and new islands emerge. The Earth itself is subjected to huge plate tectonic movements. Then why can’t we do the same?

Why do we resist change?

Harvard Business Review tells us that some of the reasons people resist change are -

1.    Excess uncertainty – you are probably unhappy in your current job, but you don’t try to look for another position. Because “known devil is better than unknown angel”. Some people continue to stay in stale marriages for the same reason.

2.    Concerns about competence – you are good at your job, but in order to grow you need to learn some new skills. You are scared about your competence on the new skills, so you do not learn those and continue to maintain the status quo.

3.    More work – you want a healthier body, but you are scared of the extra work you have to put in at the gym.

4.    Ripple effects – you need a better house, but that may be farther away from the city. So you need to take the bus, which means you will have to get up earlier. Why bother? Let’s just continue to stay where you are now.

What happens when there is no change?

George Bernard Shaw once said, “When people shake their heads because we are living in a restless age, ask them how they would like to live in a stationary one, and do without change”. I’m sure we won’t like it. The planet Mars once used to have an atmosphere, which could have enabled it to have liquid water and sustain life. But, it lacked plate tectonic movements. Being stagnant, Mars lost its atmosphere and became a dry barren land. On the other hand, Earth with its dynamic forces of fire, water, wind and ice has been able to sustain majestic life forms. We dread earthquakes and tsunamis, but that is the proof that the Earth is alive.

A society needs to change as well. People accepting the status quo would lead to a dead society. Religions need to evolve too. That is why we have social and religious reformers all over the world. They are the ones who showed us how to bring about changes. It took a Renaissance to bring us out of the dark ages, and it will take recurring Renaissances everyday in our own lives to make us better.

You are not the person you were ten years back, then would your relationships be the same too? Relationships with one’s spouse or parents definitely change. Even one’s own ways of thinking evolve over time. With one experience after another, life reshapes us. How would that happen without change?

Learning to accept change       

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second is acceptance.”

1. Change is the only constant – We need to really understand this. That would enable us to enjoy the life now but not keep hanging on to it when it changes. It is ok to miss the earlier times, but there is no reason to bottle it up and not let go. When I visited home back in India. I saw the familiar cityscape changing and houses that I could see earlier from my terrace were hidden behind ugly skyscrapers. I felt like a part of my childhood was taken away but, as I do not have any control over my neighbors’ houses I had to let that go.

2. Learn to be uncomfortable - We also need to tell ourselves that any kind of change will make us uncomfortable for a time being. A new school, a new job, moving to a new country, getting married, even getting a new pet are big enough changes in the human life. Did those make me uncomfortable? Yes they did. At my university I led an extremely carefree life hanging around with a big group of friends. When I moved here to Seattle, for the first couple of months I felt quite lonely and thought my independence was crushed. I thought I would never have my own group of friends again. I am happy to tell you that did not happen. If you have a jetlag, would you be scared and upset that you would never be able to sleep at the right time ever again in your life? No! You will accept the temporary discomfort but will know that if you try your best to adjust to the new time zone, this weird feeling will pass. And one jet lag will never stop you from flying again, right?

3. Accept the truth – We have no control over anyone or anything in the whole Universe other than our own thoughts, words and actions. When something bad happens, the best way to get over it is to accept and move on. It is ok to feel sad or be disappointed, but acceptance quickly makes you aware of the next step. Where you will adapt yourself to that change.

If you put our worries and anxieties in perspective of the Universe and realize that we are tinier than a mere speck, the things that have been bothering you will shrink in great proportions. It is overwhelming, but also very empowering to believe that we, an insignificant creature in the Universe have such a great control over ourselves. We have nothing to fear.

 [Toastmaster speech#10 - final speech for Competent Communicator]

Let’s break the gender stereotypes

Women’s empowerment is a topic very close to my heart so even though this is not the month of March, I still chose this topic because this will give me an opportunity to persuade people and bring forward some ideas.

What is gender stereotyping and what is the basis of it?

Simply put, gender stereotyping is the generalization of expected behavior based on one’s gender by letting your brain make a “snap judgment” based on immediately visible characteristics. The idea of “traditional roles” is a debatable thing but that plays a huge part in the human society where women are assumed to take care of home, childcare and family and men are depicted as workers and wage earners. Some people believe that there is a biological reason behind traditional roles. With men, the stronger of the two taking up the role of the protector and women, with maternal instincts being the nurturer.

What causes this?

Human society is a funny place. We try to make people fit in existing buckets. From the time we make a baby boy wear an onesie saying “smart as daddy” and give a baby girl an onesie saying “pretty as mommy” we are actually starting them on the road of gender stereotyping by telling them what they should try to become. Same thing continues with pink and glittery princess stuff for girls and monster trucks, Legos and science experiment kits for boys. Discouragement comes from the family too. When Debbie Sterling, the founder of GoldieBlox told her mom that she wanted to become an engineer, her mom said, “ewww…why?” There is also a belief that smart girls can’t catch good husbands. Society would be more comfortable around you if you follow traditional roles.

A lack of role models also contributes to this factor. Without someone to look up to, it becomes even more difficult for young people to confidently choose an unconventional profession.

Then when does it get bad?

It gets bad when the snap judgment you allowed your brain to make becomes a bias. “Assumptions” are the killer. These assumptions lead to notions that men are better at math, men are more technical, and women are softer by nature. If you don’t fit into these descriptions, there is a high chance of people judging you. These cause unpleasant situations at home and also at workplaces. When people give up their uniqueness and lose their potentials just to fit in to the society, we actually lose talents. Have you ever wondered what would have happened to the twice Nobel Prize winner if Dr. Curie decided to give up Physics to look after her daughters? She would end up frustrated and the world would have lost a talented scientist.

What are the effects?

The first example I will bring up is the women at work one. As women are supposed to have a more “domestic” inclination, there are a huge number of women who drop out from the work force after they have kids. Most of them say that it is by choice. While I appreciate the fact that they are making their own choices I still wonder if it is truly her choice. Let’s see some facts that can affect this decision –

She might take this decision based off pre-conceived ideas that she is the nurturer and being a mother is the sole purpose of being born as a woman.

She possibly gets paid much less than that of her husband.

She might have a workplace that is not very flexible in accommodating many needs a new mother has. Including flexible hours, part time work, a mother’s room, etc.

Her husband/partner may not be very supportive. Maybe he has preconceived ideas that he needs to be the wage earner and she can just be the dependent being. Or he never helps with the household chores. She can’t manage both and of course she can’t give up the baby, so she gives up her job.

When there is a clash between the spouses’ jobs, in most cases the wife gives up her career. I know many girls who had jobs in India, but after getting married to men who are settled in the US, they gave up their jobs and came here to become stay at home wives.

How can we fix this?

First realize that we are all biased. Yes, I am too. I don’t think I can paint a baby boy’s nursery in pink. Even though, I must give you this piece of information that originally pink was for boys and blue for girls. Red is supposed to be a very masculine color as it depicts war, and pink being a watered down shade of it, was meant for boys. Blue, on the other hand is Mother Mary’s color. So it was for girls. How they got swapped, I don’t know!

Think before you say. Casual remarks like – “women are bad drivers” or “don’t run like a girl” can be extremely hurtful too.

The less we can judge, the better. In most cases, we don’t have enough information to judge someone with. Just because I didn’t take my husband’s last name doesn’t make me less devoted to the family. If a girl wears a lot of makeup, don’t assume that she hates her looks; she might just try that out of fun. If a woman doesn’t want to have kids, it doesn’t make her a selfish being. It is ok to let people be.

Encourage people to actually be themselves. It is ok for a boy to not like Call of Duty and it is totally normal for a girl to be a geek. That does not make them weird. It just makes them special.

This world is such a nice place because of the variety. I would hate it to become dull and mundane. Let’s cherish our uniqueness and let’s all be happy.

[My 9th speech for Toastmasters - 06/11/15]

Those silent friends

When an introvert person sits and talks to me for a long time, I feel very blessed because unlike extroverts, they don't just talk to people to spend time. You have to be really special to them for that. In the same way, when I spend time alone, I cherish that a lot. It is very unnatural of me to spend time alone, so I tend to be very careful about it. By "alone time" I don't mean the times I was lonely. I mean the time I carve out of my regular day to spend just with a book or paint or just lie down on the hammock and think. If you know me, you'd think that the word "silence" doesn't go with me and that is the reason I cherish it. That silence comes when I am in the company of books or painting. Then I can think and imagine and sink deeper into myself.

In that world of imagination, I am not alone. There are friends who keep me company and they are books. If a person can read, he will never be alone. And, if you are blessed with an inquisitive mind, the better for you. Yesterday I got off work a little early, so I thought I'd just walk to the library and look for books on painting. The ones I saw were little too in depth for me, so I went to the biography section and came home with the combined biography of The Curies. They are all fascinating. Physics is no less interesting than oil painting!

Why do I love books?

Firstly, they teach. They tell you about wonderful things all over the World and beyond. They can take you on time travels from pre-history to future in a matter of seconds. You can switch from Victorian London to Buddhist era India within moments. It just opens up all my senses at the same time as appealing to my intellect.

They broaden your mind. I think I like biographies more than fiction. Of the people I read about, I find that they have different experiences in life. Many of them are fascinating, many of them are sad, but at the end it tells me that most things happen in life without me having any control over them. So it helps me accept and broaden my ideas. I also learn not to judge anyone. Should it be right to judge Michael Madhusudan Dutt as an alcoholic? Or would it do justice to Paul Gauguin  if I disapprove of his strange lifestyle? People are meant to be different and we need to accept that. Everyone is battling something in their own lives. That becomes more apparent when you read that, because unlike in the real world, characters in books are very clearly understandable (except Rachel in Daphne du Maurier's "My Cousin Rachel". I haven't figured out what kind of a person she was.)

They are my constant companions. Or some characters are my constant companions. I refer to them like referring about my human friends. Jerome, George, Harris and Montmorency, Feluda, Tenida, Pyalaram, Sherlock Holmes, Byomkesh, Hijibijbij come up in my day to day conversations quite regularly.

They teach me to think. Instead of telling what you should do, they point you to where to look at and find the answers yourself. One such book is Carl Sagan's "Contact" that has never failed to amaze me. It resonates with my way of thinking like no other book has ever done. One that pulled me out of my traditional thought process and opened up a number of crazy possibilities is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. My jaw dropped multiple times and I had to shake myself quite literally.

Detective stories sharpen my brain, they appeal to my analytical side. Romantic historical novels, on the other hand let me unwind and relax. I can visualize and feel the cool sea breeze coming from tropical lands that smell of sandalwood. Then there have been times I was completely creeped out. Like, I waited for my room mate to come back before I could continue to read "The Chariots of the Gods". But these are experiences you cherish from the inside of your head.

They don't judge you, they don't feel sad if you don't read them for a while (though I think if you don't return library books on time, those books feel gravely insulted), they don't talk back. They are just there when you need them. Whether you feel happy, sad, inquisitive, creepy... you will never be far away from books to keep you company.