Sounds weird, doesn't it? The title of this post, especially as something coming from a branded feminist like me? Well, yeah "feminist" is not the right word, it should be humanist, blah blah...anyway...Why do I have such a title? Let's come to the discussion.
We have said enough stuff about domestic violence. Not all the time would it be "violence", but in most cases those are subtle versions of it. When the wife is not physically harassed, but indirectly made to feel bad, looked down upon and ill treated, that would also be considered as an act of violence. The net outcome is the wife's quality of life gets worse, she suffers from low self-respect and feels miserable. Yes, it is the family to be blamed, for sure. But wait, isn't the woman responsible too for such a state of affairs? She is, and very much so.
I personally know some girls who faced similar situations. Some have gone back to live with that abusive husband (I hope he doesn't abuse her any more now), some have got divorced, some are living miserable lives but the underlying problem still remains. If these girls could stand up for themselves wouldn't that have changed the situation? I am not telling them to become abusive wives and start tormenting their husbands, but what I am saying is they need to learn how to stand up for themselves. It is NOT selfish wanting to lead a relaxed life, even if that means letting some people have a piece of your mind.
Firstly, think before you leap, that is leap into a marriage. Mind it, it's not only the people who opt for love marriages that take foolish decisions, some parents are equally likely to take stupid decisions to mess up their kids' lives. Before making a choice in caste, creed, religion, make sure that those people/family generally treats other people well. That is much more important than a lot many stuff but since there is no scale to measure these, people conveniently overlook them. Go for your gut feeling. If you don't like being with someone, just don't consent to marry that person.
Parents, please teach your girls how to respect themselves. If they don't respect themselves no one else in the world would. If a girl is taught to be a dependent, if that is what she sees around her, then is it unlikely that she will learn to stand up for herself or break free? I know of women who are so submissive that now they are being trampled over by their toddlers. Those 2-3 years old have figured out for themselves the positions of their mothers in the family so they have no problem not listening to them. This is very sad.
I would also harp on economic independence. Yeah, you can show me examples where economically dependent wives actually control their husbands' pockets, but still I would argue that unless you are economically independent it is very unlikely that you will have a truly balanced relationship in this age. Also, when a woman has a career (which is also a support group and not merely a source of income) she is confident in her abilities and there is lesser probability of her being dominated.
When there are incidents of domestic violence, the girl has to risk her marriage and stand up. There is NO reason why anyone should continue to live with someone who has abused her (even if that is only once). One who can abuse his wife once shows what material he is made of. In case of physical violence, the girl has to fight back, yes I mean physically fight back and call the police, neighbors, whomever she can, immediately!! The man has to be exposed to the society. There should be no reason why a woman should say that she still loves him. If you love your abuser, you have ceased to love your own dignity. Also, the argument that "he hits me because he actually loves me and later he profusely apologizes" doesn't even stand a chance to me. No one would hit you and make you miserable if they love you. It is mutually exclusive. No lady, he doesn't love you. In saying so he becomes a liar as well as an abuser. Parents, please don't tell your daughters to "patch up" with their abusive husbands. That way you clearly show how selfish you are, how your social status matters more than your daughters' happiness, maybe even her life. Similar thoughts for parents who give dowry during their daughters' weddings. I have my deepest contempt for these parents and I when people say "there's nothing heavenly than a mother's love", I want to bring up these women as an argument.
In mellower cases of abuse, the woman would not be able to have her way. Her mother-in-law would continue to dominate the home front from cooking, laying down household rules and even suggesting when the son and daughter-in-law should have babies, telling how the baby should be brought up and so on... the daughter-in-law would be just snubbed off. In these cases, there's no point in being submissive. You have to be clear - it's your life (and your child's life) and YOU should be the one taking decisions, not them! If you don't speak up now, maybe in a few years you will see that your child has totally gone out of your hand. If you take a different stand now, maybe they will hate you, other women from your in-laws family might gossip a bit, but ultimately you'll be the winner. People who stay silent for these reasons are very selfish too. What is more important, "what they'll say" or a better quality of life?
Take your life in your own hands, do things that make YOU feel good (in a good way) and most likely, we all have only one life to live, so stop living someone else's life...be yourself and love yourself!!!
We have said enough stuff about domestic violence. Not all the time would it be "violence", but in most cases those are subtle versions of it. When the wife is not physically harassed, but indirectly made to feel bad, looked down upon and ill treated, that would also be considered as an act of violence. The net outcome is the wife's quality of life gets worse, she suffers from low self-respect and feels miserable. Yes, it is the family to be blamed, for sure. But wait, isn't the woman responsible too for such a state of affairs? She is, and very much so.
I personally know some girls who faced similar situations. Some have gone back to live with that abusive husband (I hope he doesn't abuse her any more now), some have got divorced, some are living miserable lives but the underlying problem still remains. If these girls could stand up for themselves wouldn't that have changed the situation? I am not telling them to become abusive wives and start tormenting their husbands, but what I am saying is they need to learn how to stand up for themselves. It is NOT selfish wanting to lead a relaxed life, even if that means letting some people have a piece of your mind.
Firstly, think before you leap, that is leap into a marriage. Mind it, it's not only the people who opt for love marriages that take foolish decisions, some parents are equally likely to take stupid decisions to mess up their kids' lives. Before making a choice in caste, creed, religion, make sure that those people/family generally treats other people well. That is much more important than a lot many stuff but since there is no scale to measure these, people conveniently overlook them. Go for your gut feeling. If you don't like being with someone, just don't consent to marry that person.
Parents, please teach your girls how to respect themselves. If they don't respect themselves no one else in the world would. If a girl is taught to be a dependent, if that is what she sees around her, then is it unlikely that she will learn to stand up for herself or break free? I know of women who are so submissive that now they are being trampled over by their toddlers. Those 2-3 years old have figured out for themselves the positions of their mothers in the family so they have no problem not listening to them. This is very sad.
I would also harp on economic independence. Yeah, you can show me examples where economically dependent wives actually control their husbands' pockets, but still I would argue that unless you are economically independent it is very unlikely that you will have a truly balanced relationship in this age. Also, when a woman has a career (which is also a support group and not merely a source of income) she is confident in her abilities and there is lesser probability of her being dominated.
When there are incidents of domestic violence, the girl has to risk her marriage and stand up. There is NO reason why anyone should continue to live with someone who has abused her (even if that is only once). One who can abuse his wife once shows what material he is made of. In case of physical violence, the girl has to fight back, yes I mean physically fight back and call the police, neighbors, whomever she can, immediately!! The man has to be exposed to the society. There should be no reason why a woman should say that she still loves him. If you love your abuser, you have ceased to love your own dignity. Also, the argument that "he hits me because he actually loves me and later he profusely apologizes" doesn't even stand a chance to me. No one would hit you and make you miserable if they love you. It is mutually exclusive. No lady, he doesn't love you. In saying so he becomes a liar as well as an abuser. Parents, please don't tell your daughters to "patch up" with their abusive husbands. That way you clearly show how selfish you are, how your social status matters more than your daughters' happiness, maybe even her life. Similar thoughts for parents who give dowry during their daughters' weddings. I have my deepest contempt for these parents and I when people say "there's nothing heavenly than a mother's love", I want to bring up these women as an argument.
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In mellower cases of abuse, the woman would not be able to have her way. Her mother-in-law would continue to dominate the home front from cooking, laying down household rules and even suggesting when the son and daughter-in-law should have babies, telling how the baby should be brought up and so on... the daughter-in-law would be just snubbed off. In these cases, there's no point in being submissive. You have to be clear - it's your life (and your child's life) and YOU should be the one taking decisions, not them! If you don't speak up now, maybe in a few years you will see that your child has totally gone out of your hand. If you take a different stand now, maybe they will hate you, other women from your in-laws family might gossip a bit, but ultimately you'll be the winner. People who stay silent for these reasons are very selfish too. What is more important, "what they'll say" or a better quality of life?
Take your life in your own hands, do things that make YOU feel good (in a good way) and most likely, we all have only one life to live, so stop living someone else's life...be yourself and love yourself!!!
3 comments:
couldn't agree more on ALL that you've written..case-study gulo kara jante ichha korchhe... but tui jader kotha likhechhis sei too submissive mohila der ghure daranor khomota thakle to tader oi haal i hoto na bodhhoy.
Case study der naam bola jabe na, tara porle kharap bhabbe. Too submissive der ghure daranor jor nei bolei to they are the ones to be blamed!!!
ekhane na lekh... chupi chupi bol... 1 jon ke ami chini bodhhoy..:)
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