Blame the girls

Sounds weird, doesn't it? The title of this post, especially as something coming from a branded feminist like me? Well, yeah "feminist" is not the right word, it should be humanist, blah blah...anyway...Why do I have such a title? Let's come to the discussion.

We have said enough stuff about domestic violence. Not all the time would it be "violence", but in most cases those are subtle versions of it. When the wife is not physically harassed, but indirectly made to feel bad, looked down upon and ill treated, that would also be considered as an act of violence. The net outcome is the wife's quality of life gets worse, she suffers from low self-respect and feels miserable. Yes, it is the family to be blamed, for sure. But wait, isn't the woman responsible too for such a state of affairs? She is, and very much so.

I personally know some girls who faced similar situations. Some have gone back to live with that abusive husband (I hope he doesn't abuse her any more now), some have got divorced, some are living miserable lives but the underlying problem still remains. If these girls could stand up for themselves wouldn't that have changed the situation? I am not telling them to become abusive wives and start tormenting their husbands, but what I am saying is they need to learn how to stand up for themselves. It is NOT selfish wanting to lead a relaxed life, even if that means letting some people have a piece of your mind.

Firstly, think before you leap, that is leap into a marriage. Mind it, it's not only the people who opt for love marriages that take foolish decisions, some parents are equally likely to take stupid decisions to mess up their kids' lives. Before making a choice in caste, creed, religion, make sure that those people/family generally treats other people well. That is much more important than a lot many stuff but since there is no scale to measure these, people conveniently overlook them. Go for your gut feeling. If you don't like being with someone, just don't consent to marry that person.

Parents, please teach your girls how to respect themselves. If they don't respect themselves no one else in the world would. If a girl is taught to be a dependent, if that is what she sees around her, then is it unlikely that she will learn to stand up for herself or break free? I know of women who are so submissive that now they are being trampled over by their toddlers. Those 2-3 years old have figured out for themselves the positions of their mothers in the family so they have no problem not listening to them. This is very sad.

I would also harp on economic independence. Yeah, you can show me examples where economically dependent wives actually control their husbands' pockets, but still I would argue that unless you are economically independent it is very unlikely that you will have a truly balanced relationship in this age. Also, when a woman has a career (which is also a support group and not merely a source of income) she is confident in her abilities and there is lesser probability of her being dominated.

When there are incidents of domestic violence, the girl has to risk her marriage and stand up. There is NO reason why anyone should continue to live with someone who has abused her (even if that is only once). One who can abuse his wife once shows what material he is made of. In case of physical violence, the girl has to fight back, yes I mean physically fight back and call the police, neighbors, whomever she can, immediately!! The man has to be exposed to the society. There should be no reason why a woman should say that she still loves him. If you love your abuser, you have ceased to love your own dignity. Also, the argument that "he hits me because he actually loves me and later he profusely apologizes" doesn't even stand a chance to me. No one would hit you and make you miserable if they love you. It is mutually exclusive. No lady, he doesn't love you. In saying so he becomes a liar as well as an abuser. Parents, please don't tell your daughters to "patch up" with their abusive husbands. That way you clearly show how selfish you are, how your social status matters more than your daughters' happiness, maybe even her life. Similar thoughts for parents who give dowry during their daughters' weddings. I have my deepest contempt for these parents and I when people say "there's nothing heavenly than a mother's love", I want to bring up these women as an argument.

Source

In mellower cases of abuse, the woman would not be able to have her way. Her mother-in-law would continue to dominate the home front from cooking, laying down household rules and even suggesting when the son and daughter-in-law should have babies, telling how the baby should be brought up and so on... the daughter-in-law would be just snubbed off. In these cases, there's no point in being submissive. You have to be clear - it's your life (and your child's life) and YOU should be the one taking decisions, not them! If you don't speak up now, maybe in a few years you will see that your child has totally gone out of your hand. If you take a different stand now, maybe they will hate you, other women from your in-laws family might gossip a bit, but ultimately you'll be the winner. People who stay silent for these reasons are very selfish too. What is more important, "what they'll say" or a better quality of life?

Take your life in your own hands, do things that make YOU feel good (in a good way) and most likely, we all have only one life to live, so stop living someone else's life...be yourself and love yourself!!!

Science and religion

This is probably the longest running debate in the human world, which one should we follow, which one leads to the Absolute Truth? No one knows for certain, but everyone has a definite opinion. The worst happens when people try to impose their opinions on others and conflict happens which could lead to acts of heinous nature.

Recently, I have joined an online course on the Introduction to Psychology, where invariably, this question arose in the general discussions. As I have always found, the students almost divided into two groups and started arguing. Most of the argument can be summed up in one short sentence that says - "I am right and you are wrong!"

I don't want to dismiss the argument. If so many people have some common opinions, then I guess I should invest some thoughts in that. The thing is, as many people are saying is, if you believe in the Big Bang that one moment everything was created with a BANG then they want to call that force, or whatever that triggered the entire thing as God. Well, I don't have any objections to that. After all, what's in a name? If you call Big Bang as God, fine... it's a name. The funny thing is when different religions claim that "their God" (whatever that is) is the only hope to salvation. Well, how do they know that? They say, from the religious scriptures, which can't be questioned. Here is my objection. When you tell people that the paint on the wall is wet, they'll not believe until they check it out for themselves, but when you tell them that a certain writing is the ABSOLUTE truth, they'd believe it without a word!

Another funny thing is how the social structure got dependent on the religious side. Now tell me, where in the Hindu text (Hindus don't have any "text" per se in the first place) has anyone found about being a vegetarian? I have heard extremely non-sense arguments from people who are vegetarians (but eat eggs) about how you accumulate sin when you eat meat. Man, that I call pure creativity. You have to have a wild imagination to come up with those arguments. I don't know enough details of other religions yet, but I am sure "asking questions" which makes religious leaders uncomfortable is not encouraged in any. The main thing that makes me dismiss all these is if every religion claims the God that they follow to be the one and only solution, then how many Gods are there in total? Also, say an alien is visiting us to whom we lay down the facts about all religions, how would we convince it to follow one religion and not the other? How would the religions lay their case?

Carl Sagan has stated some wonderful points in Contact when Ellie Arroway was asked why she isn't an atheist instead of being agnostic. True, Occam's Razor would make me an atheist from that point, but then again, to be atheist is to confidently believe that God isn't there. I am too small a human with extremely little knowledge to say that God doesn't exist. So, the best thing I should say is "I don't know". The one last question I have is this - I understand that science can't tell us for sure how the Universe was made, nor can religion, but scientists are open to different ideas. Say, if tomorrow someone truly finds out something that is faster that light, scientists the world over would have no problem in accepting that. But would religious people be open to accepting something that is more powerful than God? I don't think so.

Here's what my goal  is - think....think rationally and DON'T accept anything unless you know that to be true. In the mean time, there are plenty of stuff to do in the physical world. Help others, learn things, grow yourself and don't waste time and energy on senseless superstition or vague spirituality.

Sights and smells around the house

There are some stuff related to household chores which I like...the feel of some, the smell of another...they make me feel "at home". Here's a list of those....

1. Squeaky clean hardwood floors - there's something about clean, smooth hardwood floors that I very much like. They make the room look bigger, cleaner and net as a whole. Also, they feel nice to the foot, a warm and homely thing...

2. Clothes out from the dryer - "clean linen" I'd call them. They are just amazing.

3. Water on plants on a summer evening - when the Sun gets down on a warm summer evening and the plants and grass are watered, there is a very nice smell that I get even from the bedroom window upstairs (which overlooks the yard). That smell, mingled with the last rays of the evening in the west and the evening star combines to create a perfect summer evening :)

4. White bed sheets and pillow cases - they have a cool, fresh and clean look to them. Just the sight of them at the end of a tiring day relaxes me.

5. White bath towels with bright borders - another cozy thing...this is what I call the "classic towels". I pretty much hate patterned towels, unless it is for kids. Towels with monograms are very pretty too. We have white ones monogrammed with a tall "R" which are very classy looking too. 

6. A hand made throw and a book on a comfortable recliner - this is one of my best things ever in the house. It is something I personally feel good about our house and when I see this in other houses, it gives me a very nice impression about those people in most cases. A nook would be even better, but the recliner or chaise works well too.

7. Dinner on the porch - I never realized how nice this thing is. It's like a miniature camping trip in itself. With chirping birds and a cool breeze, not to mention Bebe chasing tennis balls and Peanut Butter lazying around on the grass, the wind chime playing its own music, scent of citronella coming from a candle in  little red lantern... our tiny back yard feels so good :)

8. Smell of something baking on a chilly evening - be it the holiday cookies or a hearty stew.

It's important for a house to look pretty, but the most important thing is for it to look "lived in". I have seen beautiful houses that look like pictures of glossy magazines but I would definitely never feel comfortable living there. I am not saying there needs to be clutter everywhere for me to feel good, but a clean, nice house with all the things I mentioned do make me feel good :)

Thinking outside the box

Have you seen Galileo's thermometer? I just did last week and at first thought it to be a nice modern art kind of decoration. It was yesterday when I came to know what it actually was and looked up on Wikipedia to find its details. Here is the link for reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galileo_thermometer

If you try to understand the workings of it, you wouldn't find anything more difficult than high school physics. The fact doesn't lie in understanding the basics of physics - we all know these, but the thing that differentiates Galileo from the rest of the population (well, yes Physics knowing population) is the fact how he could implement something so practical out of the basic rules of Physics. I was thinking about it last night before going to bed and couldn't help complimenting Galileo (once again) for his smartness!

How many of us can really think outside the common things? For me, I know the society I had grown up in was totally against doing anything which was not mentioned in school text books. When I was a teenager, I had much interest in doing little experiments on my own. Simple ones that we read about that time or maybe ones I found from my Science Encyclopedia. I had immense pleasure in making those work. One big reason is, I hardly ever got the right things I needed. Even a box of tissue papers, or cling wrap things that are pretty much everyday household items in the US were absolutely unavailable in India (at least in the late 90s and early millennium). That made me innovate things and ultimately when my pin-hole camera worked or I could successfully copper plate a paper clip, I found immense satisfaction. Looking back, I can't really think of any other thing that gave me that kind of joy. But what did I gain in terms of recognition? Nothing! As those didn't count towards my exams in school, those had no value. All that students were supposed to do were learn the text books by heart and write down those definitions and short notes exactly the way they have been written in the books. No understanding, no practical use, students were just a channel from the text books to the exam papers, that's it! If something doesn't fetch you good grades, you better dump that!

My grades in school were pretty much ok I'd say ranging from average to above average with a good consistency but nothing much more. I hated studying for long hours, I could not (and still can't) sit still for a long time, I sleep too much anyway so neither early morning nor after dinner was ever a good time to study. Everyone in my family knows that if I tried harder my grades would have improved. Maybe they are right, but now, when I can look back with a better understanding of the values of things, I very much feel that if I spent one evening studying the tax system of the Mughal rulers in India, I would have got ten more marks in my final history test, but I would have no experience of etching a sun dial by looking at Big Dipper in the northern sky, calculating the position of Polaris and setting that sun dial in a perfect north-south direction ready to be marked when the Sun rose on the following morning!

One of the things that make me think, think and think

I had a hard time in high school when my grades were not up to the expected standard but now that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is my analytical skills, my thought processes and my interest in new things, everything else might just vanish into oblivion....who cares?

Roots to grow and wings to fly

People have told me that bringing up children is the toughest job in the world. "They don't come with manuals" - a mom of three grown-up kids told me once, "nor can you take out their batteries" when a toddler seems to have drunk out of the fountain of perpetual motion. For immigrant parents, I think this task becomes double difficult.

First of all, they themselves were raised in totally different surroundings without knowing many things of the society they are now living. A cousin of mine told me that when she was young, Tooth Fairy was giving money in exchange of the fallen teeth to all her friends but not to her. How sad is that? So those parents don't even see the reason for a lot many things which their children think as totally necessary.

Then there is a clash of values and the ever happening issue of trying to immerse these kids in the Indian "culture". Most of the time, that culture is Bollywood songs and dance and those, along with a lot many weird things are absolute impositions on these young minds. We had a slang for these kids, we called them "confused". But later on I realized it's not them but the parents who are confused. They don't know what exactly to teach them, where to be strict and where to let go.

Here's a link shared *proudly* by one such immigrant parent. Take a look for yourself http://www.buzzfeed.com/kash520/20-signs-you-were-raised-in-a-desiindianhindu-ho-9g2l?s=mobile and tell me if you see there's anything to be proud of in any of the twenty points. I practically don't see why you'd dress your little girl as an Indian princess EVERY YEAR! Once or twice, with a gap of few years should be good, but every time? Give me a break! Same about visiting India for EVERY vacation. We don't even do that now, I can imagine the plight of the kids when their peers talk about adventurous vacations they have nothing to say other than they visited a bunch of older relatives in a far off country. Same about keeping pets. I have seen most Indian families are either scared of animals or hate the thought of cleaning up after them, especially when they have little kids. There was an Indian kid visiting us who wanted to play with Mota but his parents kept warning him "No, don't touch the cat, he will bite you!" How on earth would this kid ever learn how to behave with animals? On the other hand, I know of another Indian girl, brought up in a totally different way, who takes her little toddler to play with the shelter animals who come for adoptions at pet stores.

It's all about how you raise your kids. If you really, truly love your culture and have a deep understanding of what it exactly is, you wouldn't worry if your kids are becoming "Americanized" (or "wherever-you-live"-anized) when they want to do things that their friends do. Expose your own self to different things, judge the good and the bad of every society and culture and then give your kids the best. If you don't urge them to go to "Bengali school" but teach them their own culture by being a role model yourself, I have no doubt you can raise a good citizen. It's not what language they speak that make them a true human, it's the actions that do.

For me, Rabindranath, Vidyasagar, Vivekananda, Netaji, Sarat Chandra, Ashapurna Devi, Bibhutibhushan Bandhpadhyay  and the rest have instilled so much good stuff in me that I have no fears of losing this. Make the roots strong but give the kids wings to fly...

PS: The list of twenty blah blah blah taught me one thing, that's exactly what I would NEVER do if/when I have kids.

Updates: I was reading some posts by Indian moms trying to raise their kids in the US, facing the dilemma of whether to continue living here or going back to India, some of their concerns have been replied to by Indian-american moms or some young adults born and brought up here. I am very glad to see many of them thinking with a clear mind and almost resonating my thoughts that I wrote here. 

Just a note

Just wondering at the peculiarity of the species called humans. One one hand we have these heinous acts of terrorism, on the other hand we have heroes in everyday situations. Thinking of those who have helped the Boston victims anonymously. When the terrorists strike common civilians, killing them without any fault of theirs, these heroes show up. They come to help, to comfort and to show compassion, without asking for anything in return.

The Boston event reminded me once again of 9/11, the London blasts and 26/11 attack in Mumbai. Once again I thought about those people from every walk of life who have helped the victims. Those who even sacrificed their lives in helping others, fire fighters, police officers... those men who were last seen on the 78th floor diligently continuing their rounds in WTC trying to find people stuck in the debris... they leave the ray of hope burning.

Just like Rabindranath said, I will not commit the crime of losing faith in humankind. These people let me keep that hope alive. I believe one day the evil will be vanquished and we will rise again from the burned debris like a Phoenix with a new life.

Art lessons

I love to grow myself by overcoming challenges. If I try to do something that I think is difficult, I tell myself not to expect too much out of the first attempt. But, like thousands of people found out before me, those further attempts slowly get easier and better and finally I come up with quite a standard output. I tried that with writing, programming, cooking, knitting/crocheting and it worked every time. So there is no doubt it will work for oil painting as well.

Oil painting is difficult. Anyone who has tried to paint with oil colors know that. That is why when I paint after a long time, I try something very simple. Then slowly my brush strokes get bolder and more confident. I am not so shaky in understanding what colors I need and the entire concept of painting becomes much less formidable. I have a smug feeling inside. I generally don't like my own paintings, they seem either comical or very amateurish, not the way I like them to be. Same about my writing. I don't really like them. But then, there are some that I genuinely like. I have heard that if you like your own paintings that means you don't have any way to grow yourself from there, but I hope that's not the case with me. I very much know that I have a LOT to learn.

There are quite a few areas in life where I am very conservative. Say for example, marriage and family values or literary works, I am absolutely an admirer of the classics. Same about art. I just don't understand abstract art and I also fail to understand those people who admire them. Seriously, you can look at a blotch of paint next to a weird shaped human eye, then read an entire paragraph on what the artist has explained about that thing and then say "that is so unique, that shows the feeling of the artist" and buy that painting for a lot of money?? Seriously???Whew!!! Well, I don't object to someone pouring his heart out on a bit of canvas, I don't care if that is just a weird array of peculiar shapes put at random locations but what I don't like is calling them "art work". To me, actual art work shouldn't need to come with any explanation. People would need to just stand in front of that and love that. Like the paintings of the Renaissance age, or the later Dutch painters. Even in today's world, there are many examples. Would Thomas Kincaid's paintings need any "explanation"? Nor would his "style" has to be peculiar like Jamini Roy's paintings where human eyes protrude out of human faces. If I paint something like that people would think I have gone crazy :D

Anyway, coming back to oil painting. I have come a long way from my first art lessons when I drew and
colored in drawing books. Advancing to splashing water color in attempts of painting landscapes. That was the time I didn't like to paint. I hated going to art school. But then I returned after seven years to complete my diploma and properly learn painting. That's when I learned oil painting. With that, all throughout those years I learned about different types and techniques of painting and about different artists too. Painting on canvas came years later when I started to visit Daniel Smith's store in Bellevue. Now my long brushes are getting cleaned in turpentine, a painting is drying in the same room and my easel with tubes of paint in it's drawer is waiting for the next still life. I like to paint still life with oil, landscapes with water color and portraits or human figures look great with pen and ink or charcoal.

After using my left brain continuously for eight hours, when I come home I try not to do technical stuff but concentrate on totally different things which are artistic or literary that would help me use the other side of my brain. These artistic attempts come from that thought :)

I may take breaks from painting, yes, but I will never lose touch with it ever.