To change or not to change, that is the question…

Change is a strange thing in human life. We theoretically know that it is inevitable, we remember Darwin’s quotation, but we still try our hardest to resist it. The general tendency among people is to continue walking on the tried and tested path.

Changes in Nature

You won’t find anything stagnant in Nature. In Nature nobody tries to resist change. A butterfly doesn’t hang on to its cocoon after the due time. Flowers fall off, glaciers melt, rivers change courses and new islands emerge. The Earth itself is subjected to huge plate tectonic movements. Then why can’t we do the same?

Why do we resist change?

Harvard Business Review tells us that some of the reasons people resist change are -

1.    Excess uncertainty – you are probably unhappy in your current job, but you don’t try to look for another position. Because “known devil is better than unknown angel”. Some people continue to stay in stale marriages for the same reason.

2.    Concerns about competence – you are good at your job, but in order to grow you need to learn some new skills. You are scared about your competence on the new skills, so you do not learn those and continue to maintain the status quo.

3.    More work – you want a healthier body, but you are scared of the extra work you have to put in at the gym.

4.    Ripple effects – you need a better house, but that may be farther away from the city. So you need to take the bus, which means you will have to get up earlier. Why bother? Let’s just continue to stay where you are now.

What happens when there is no change?

George Bernard Shaw once said, “When people shake their heads because we are living in a restless age, ask them how they would like to live in a stationary one, and do without change”. I’m sure we won’t like it. The planet Mars once used to have an atmosphere, which could have enabled it to have liquid water and sustain life. But, it lacked plate tectonic movements. Being stagnant, Mars lost its atmosphere and became a dry barren land. On the other hand, Earth with its dynamic forces of fire, water, wind and ice has been able to sustain majestic life forms. We dread earthquakes and tsunamis, but that is the proof that the Earth is alive.

A society needs to change as well. People accepting the status quo would lead to a dead society. Religions need to evolve too. That is why we have social and religious reformers all over the world. They are the ones who showed us how to bring about changes. It took a Renaissance to bring us out of the dark ages, and it will take recurring Renaissances everyday in our own lives to make us better.

You are not the person you were ten years back, then would your relationships be the same too? Relationships with one’s spouse or parents definitely change. Even one’s own ways of thinking evolve over time. With one experience after another, life reshapes us. How would that happen without change?

Learning to accept change       

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second is acceptance.”

1. Change is the only constant – We need to really understand this. That would enable us to enjoy the life now but not keep hanging on to it when it changes. It is ok to miss the earlier times, but there is no reason to bottle it up and not let go. When I visited home back in India. I saw the familiar cityscape changing and houses that I could see earlier from my terrace were hidden behind ugly skyscrapers. I felt like a part of my childhood was taken away but, as I do not have any control over my neighbors’ houses I had to let that go.

2. Learn to be uncomfortable - We also need to tell ourselves that any kind of change will make us uncomfortable for a time being. A new school, a new job, moving to a new country, getting married, even getting a new pet are big enough changes in the human life. Did those make me uncomfortable? Yes they did. At my university I led an extremely carefree life hanging around with a big group of friends. When I moved here to Seattle, for the first couple of months I felt quite lonely and thought my independence was crushed. I thought I would never have my own group of friends again. I am happy to tell you that did not happen. If you have a jetlag, would you be scared and upset that you would never be able to sleep at the right time ever again in your life? No! You will accept the temporary discomfort but will know that if you try your best to adjust to the new time zone, this weird feeling will pass. And one jet lag will never stop you from flying again, right?

3. Accept the truth – We have no control over anyone or anything in the whole Universe other than our own thoughts, words and actions. When something bad happens, the best way to get over it is to accept and move on. It is ok to feel sad or be disappointed, but acceptance quickly makes you aware of the next step. Where you will adapt yourself to that change.

If you put our worries and anxieties in perspective of the Universe and realize that we are tinier than a mere speck, the things that have been bothering you will shrink in great proportions. It is overwhelming, but also very empowering to believe that we, an insignificant creature in the Universe have such a great control over ourselves. We have nothing to fear.

 [Toastmaster speech#10 - final speech for Competent Communicator]

Let’s break the gender stereotypes

Women’s empowerment is a topic very close to my heart so even though this is not the month of March, I still chose this topic because this will give me an opportunity to persuade people and bring forward some ideas.

What is gender stereotyping and what is the basis of it?

Simply put, gender stereotyping is the generalization of expected behavior based on one’s gender by letting your brain make a “snap judgment” based on immediately visible characteristics. The idea of “traditional roles” is a debatable thing but that plays a huge part in the human society where women are assumed to take care of home, childcare and family and men are depicted as workers and wage earners. Some people believe that there is a biological reason behind traditional roles. With men, the stronger of the two taking up the role of the protector and women, with maternal instincts being the nurturer.

What causes this?

Human society is a funny place. We try to make people fit in existing buckets. From the time we make a baby boy wear an onesie saying “smart as daddy” and give a baby girl an onesie saying “pretty as mommy” we are actually starting them on the road of gender stereotyping by telling them what they should try to become. Same thing continues with pink and glittery princess stuff for girls and monster trucks, Legos and science experiment kits for boys. Discouragement comes from the family too. When Debbie Sterling, the founder of GoldieBlox told her mom that she wanted to become an engineer, her mom said, “ewww…why?” There is also a belief that smart girls can’t catch good husbands. Society would be more comfortable around you if you follow traditional roles.

A lack of role models also contributes to this factor. Without someone to look up to, it becomes even more difficult for young people to confidently choose an unconventional profession.

Then when does it get bad?

It gets bad when the snap judgment you allowed your brain to make becomes a bias. “Assumptions” are the killer. These assumptions lead to notions that men are better at math, men are more technical, and women are softer by nature. If you don’t fit into these descriptions, there is a high chance of people judging you. These cause unpleasant situations at home and also at workplaces. When people give up their uniqueness and lose their potentials just to fit in to the society, we actually lose talents. Have you ever wondered what would have happened to the twice Nobel Prize winner if Dr. Curie decided to give up Physics to look after her daughters? She would end up frustrated and the world would have lost a talented scientist.

What are the effects?

The first example I will bring up is the women at work one. As women are supposed to have a more “domestic” inclination, there are a huge number of women who drop out from the work force after they have kids. Most of them say that it is by choice. While I appreciate the fact that they are making their own choices I still wonder if it is truly her choice. Let’s see some facts that can affect this decision –

She might take this decision based off pre-conceived ideas that she is the nurturer and being a mother is the sole purpose of being born as a woman.

She possibly gets paid much less than that of her husband.

She might have a workplace that is not very flexible in accommodating many needs a new mother has. Including flexible hours, part time work, a mother’s room, etc.

Her husband/partner may not be very supportive. Maybe he has preconceived ideas that he needs to be the wage earner and she can just be the dependent being. Or he never helps with the household chores. She can’t manage both and of course she can’t give up the baby, so she gives up her job.

When there is a clash between the spouses’ jobs, in most cases the wife gives up her career. I know many girls who had jobs in India, but after getting married to men who are settled in the US, they gave up their jobs and came here to become stay at home wives.

How can we fix this?

First realize that we are all biased. Yes, I am too. I don’t think I can paint a baby boy’s nursery in pink. Even though, I must give you this piece of information that originally pink was for boys and blue for girls. Red is supposed to be a very masculine color as it depicts war, and pink being a watered down shade of it, was meant for boys. Blue, on the other hand is Mother Mary’s color. So it was for girls. How they got swapped, I don’t know!

Think before you say. Casual remarks like – “women are bad drivers” or “don’t run like a girl” can be extremely hurtful too.

The less we can judge, the better. In most cases, we don’t have enough information to judge someone with. Just because I didn’t take my husband’s last name doesn’t make me less devoted to the family. If a girl wears a lot of makeup, don’t assume that she hates her looks; she might just try that out of fun. If a woman doesn’t want to have kids, it doesn’t make her a selfish being. It is ok to let people be.

Encourage people to actually be themselves. It is ok for a boy to not like Call of Duty and it is totally normal for a girl to be a geek. That does not make them weird. It just makes them special.

This world is such a nice place because of the variety. I would hate it to become dull and mundane. Let’s cherish our uniqueness and let’s all be happy.

[My 9th speech for Toastmasters - 06/11/15]

Those silent friends

When an introvert person sits and talks to me for a long time, I feel very blessed because unlike extroverts, they don't just talk to people to spend time. You have to be really special to them for that. In the same way, when I spend time alone, I cherish that a lot. It is very unnatural of me to spend time alone, so I tend to be very careful about it. By "alone time" I don't mean the times I was lonely. I mean the time I carve out of my regular day to spend just with a book or paint or just lie down on the hammock and think. If you know me, you'd think that the word "silence" doesn't go with me and that is the reason I cherish it. That silence comes when I am in the company of books or painting. Then I can think and imagine and sink deeper into myself.

In that world of imagination, I am not alone. There are friends who keep me company and they are books. If a person can read, he will never be alone. And, if you are blessed with an inquisitive mind, the better for you. Yesterday I got off work a little early, so I thought I'd just walk to the library and look for books on painting. The ones I saw were little too in depth for me, so I went to the biography section and came home with the combined biography of The Curies. They are all fascinating. Physics is no less interesting than oil painting!

Why do I love books?

Firstly, they teach. They tell you about wonderful things all over the World and beyond. They can take you on time travels from pre-history to future in a matter of seconds. You can switch from Victorian London to Buddhist era India within moments. It just opens up all my senses at the same time as appealing to my intellect.

They broaden your mind. I think I like biographies more than fiction. Of the people I read about, I find that they have different experiences in life. Many of them are fascinating, many of them are sad, but at the end it tells me that most things happen in life without me having any control over them. So it helps me accept and broaden my ideas. I also learn not to judge anyone. Should it be right to judge Michael Madhusudan Dutt as an alcoholic? Or would it do justice to Paul Gauguin  if I disapprove of his strange lifestyle? People are meant to be different and we need to accept that. Everyone is battling something in their own lives. That becomes more apparent when you read that, because unlike in the real world, characters in books are very clearly understandable (except Rachel in Daphne du Maurier's "My Cousin Rachel". I haven't figured out what kind of a person she was.)

They are my constant companions. Or some characters are my constant companions. I refer to them like referring about my human friends. Jerome, George, Harris and Montmorency, Feluda, Tenida, Pyalaram, Sherlock Holmes, Byomkesh, Hijibijbij come up in my day to day conversations quite regularly.

They teach me to think. Instead of telling what you should do, they point you to where to look at and find the answers yourself. One such book is Carl Sagan's "Contact" that has never failed to amaze me. It resonates with my way of thinking like no other book has ever done. One that pulled me out of my traditional thought process and opened up a number of crazy possibilities is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. My jaw dropped multiple times and I had to shake myself quite literally.

Detective stories sharpen my brain, they appeal to my analytical side. Romantic historical novels, on the other hand let me unwind and relax. I can visualize and feel the cool sea breeze coming from tropical lands that smell of sandalwood. Then there have been times I was completely creeped out. Like, I waited for my room mate to come back before I could continue to read "The Chariots of the Gods". But these are experiences you cherish from the inside of your head.

They don't judge you, they don't feel sad if you don't read them for a while (though I think if you don't return library books on time, those books feel gravely insulted), they don't talk back. They are just there when you need them. Whether you feel happy, sad, inquisitive, creepy... you will never be far away from books to keep you company.

Things to do before I die

Source - http://personalexcellence.co/blog/bucket-list/

• What would you do if you had unlimited time, money and resources?

1. Create an animal sanctuary

2. Create an orphanage

3. Create an old age home.

• What have you always wanted to do but have not done yet?

Learn to play the piano

• Any countries, places or locations you want to visit?

1. Africa

2. South of France

3. Himalayas - the inner depths (again and again... as many times I can)
4. Hawaii

• What are your biggest goals and dreams?

Impart education for children and empower women to get out of the vicious cycle of poverty.

• What are the most important things you can ever do?

1. Adopt a child

2. Save vulnerable babies/kids and animals from harm.

3. Teach

• What activities or skills do you want to learn or try out?

1. Swim laps

2. Ride a bike on a trail without falling.

3. Learn to play piano.

• Are there any special moments you want to witness?

My kids taking humane decisions and living up to those.

• What experiences do you want to have / feel?

Giving birth (normally without epidural) which I think is the ultimate responsibility females have been endowed with.

• What achievements do you want to have?

Change one thing in one society for the better.

• What do you want to see in person?

Underwater life.

• What would you like to say/do together with other people? People you love? Family? Friends?

Backpack on the Wonderland Trail in Mt. Rainier with Arnab.

• Are there any specific people you want to meet in person?

1. Bill and Melinda Gates

2. Narendra Modi
3. Sheryl Sandberg

• What do you want to achieve in the different areas: Social, Love, Family, Career, Finance, Health (Your weight, Fitness level), Spiritual?

Social - I don't need to be more social... just need to keep my balance. 

Love - Loving the people already in my life and the ones yet to come

Family - Have two human kids (one biological and one adopted) and keep on caring for Mota, May and Bebe.

Career - Be something like a test architect, an SME of test automation :)

Finance - Pay off the house mortgage ASAP

Health - Gain a few pounds :) 

Spiritual - None... doesn't matter!

Healing...

There was a time in my teenage years when we had things called auto-books. We would give those to our friends to fill out and they would write down their favorite colors, quotations and definitions of what is love and what is friendship. They would also write down their thoughts about us. I still have kept those old auto-books because it feels funny how teenagers would try to define what love or friendship is about.

I have wondered about both these things and up to the point in life where I am at, I still don't know what these are. People sometimes say that friends have to have some similarities, others say that opposites attract. So it is difficult to fit everything in the same formula. I think having a close friend who is my carbon copy would not help me much. It will be like looking at myself in the mirror. What is more exciting is having someone who is different. Rather, I should say there is an optimal limit in the balance of similarities and dissimilarities which makes a relationship "just right". And who could be this soul mate? Any random person. Sometimes they pop out from the most unlikely places. Believe me, this person doesn't have to be your friend from kindergarten. Age, race, gender, language, religion, background of how you are brought up, nothing matters! There are some universal human languages that is all is needed.

Source: Pinterest

I realized this after coming to the US when I found out that the people I was hanging out with have completely different backgrounds and I cherished that difference because I found out that it makes them very special. The things that truly matter go above and beyond any regional boundary - "there's one Moon and one golden Sun, and a smile means friendship to everyone". A smile, a hug, a quick handwritten note mean the same to everyone in every culture. Recently, I realized once again that the differences are superficial. The undercurrent of any human relationship is common to all humans. I also figured out that in life as we will have tough times on one end, people to support us will also come from random places to help us go through it. Sometimes there is this idea that if you are away from home it will be very difficult when you are in trouble. I used to think so too but now I know that is not the case. A support group doesn't have to consist of your family. Like it is said that when you are in trouble you get to see the true colors of people around you. I saw how warm seemingly aloof people can be. Simple texts can mean so much when you are down. You can actually feel the effort someone else is putting in just to make you feel good. Sometimes no words need to be spoken. Just being there, being physically present in front of you, listening to you rant is the best thing someone can do to you. When someone you know for barely a little over a year lends you a shoulder to cry on and holds you tight when you cry is the best therapy you will ever need. 

I am still sad. It will take me a while to get over what I experienced this week. But I am confident now that when I am surrounded by positive people in a loving environment, that healing process can be miraculous. 

An unopened gift

It is not possible to lose something before you actually have it. The only difference is that of a baby. The moment your home pregnancy test shows the double line or spells out "pregnant", women go into a mom-zone. At least, that's what happened to me. I was overwhelmed and excited, happy and scared all together. However, life doesn't always come with happy endings. Life lessons can be difficult. That positive pregnancy test ended at six weeks with a lot of cramping, red blood and a trip to the ER at 4:30 in the morning where the doctor said "looks like you have miscarried". End of one short chapter of my book of life.

It is shocking. I won't call it devastating, because honestly when the horrible cramps came, I knew that it is over. Also, at six weeks (out of which I knew about the pregnancy in the last 3) I should never think that I bonded too much with the fetus. However, there was a heartbreak. I did not buy maternity clothes, we did not set up any nursery and we didn't even see the heartbeat. But still, I felt like my dreams crashed. I am still thinking that I would never know what he or she would have been. Would she be a girl, my carbon copy? A mix of characteristics between Arnab and me? Maybe he would have been a mama's boy... I would never know and there is no way for me to find out. This was my unopened gift. I had the gift but I never know what it was.

It is difficult, very difficult.

There are a few things I want to tell to other women who have gone through this. The first thing that comes to the mind is - everyone else is having healthy, happy babies, then why can't I have one too? The fact is that, many women go through miscarriages and some have multiple miscarriages too. This is just a normal part of pregnancy. The problem is that people don't talk about it. You see the babies after they are born, you don't see the miscarriages, neither do you see the number of years some people take to conceive. Don't use Facebook to gauge what is going on in people's lives. If you open your heart to others, they will also open theirs. In the last few days I have had friends, relatives and even not so close colleagues telling me their personal stories of loss. We are not alone...

Secondly, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. It is not your fault, it is not your partner's fault. It doesn't mean you are not healthy, it's not the reason for you not being careful enough. That extra cup of coffee did not cause this. It's also not God's will. Neither are you "not going to be a good mom". Stop any of these thoughts should they come to you. Don't listen to anyone who hints at these.

I know it is normal to grieve. It is ok to weep for the one you could never hold in your hands. It is ok to wonder where he is, what he could have become and also to wonder when you will meet him again. I think like the Rainbow bridge, there is a place for these babies too. It is wishful thinking, I know that, but it helps. There are two fur babies waiting for me at the Rainbow bridge. A few more will join them over my span of life. I am sure my Angel Baby will be with them too. I will see them when the time comes.

For the time being, the only thing I can do is to stay strong. I don't think my baby would like to see me depressed and sad. He would want to see his parents happy, the way he knew us to be for the very few weeks he was with us. The only satisfaction I have is that - he was with me for each and every second of his life and that he knows how much he is loved... loved forever.