Working moms

There are some debates which are never-ending. Say for example, if there is God, science versus religion, boys versus girls...and one of this list is working moms versus stay-at-home moms. Both try to prove that her job is tougher, both try to argue that the role she is playing is the most important in her baby's life. As I already mentioned that this debate is never ending, I don't suppose I can make it end, but I will try to add my views in here.

I don't have anything against stay-at-home moms in particular (they have never done anything to me!) but there are a few things that stay-at-home moms say which bothers me, not as a mom but as a working professional in general.

1. I see a trend of stay-at-home moms saying that "looking after kids is a full time job" and that "oh if our services were to be paid for, our salary would have been $100,000". Why is this need for justification? Why do they have to prove their worth in this way? If they already think that their services are invaluable, leave it at that! Also, what makes stay-at-home-moms think that their working counterparts don't have to do all these? I can't but share this picture here.

From Google images

2. When it comes to "understanding", many women say - yes we understand, some moms are forced to work in this economy, what can they do? Hello, not every woman is "forced" to work. Doesn't it occur to these ladies that some of us might just love to work? That we studied hard and worked hard to bring us up to respectable high paying jobs and that work satisfaction is not really such a negligible thing in a woman's life. There is a world of her own, other than her husband and kids and household chores and people outside of her family who respect and encourage the problem solver, the innovative thinker, the technical expert or the people manager in her.

3. Don't make working moms feel bad. Many stay-at-home moms have said, "I bring up my own kids" or "how can you send your tiny baby to the day care?" These are so very mean and so very rude. Why do you have to make working women feel bad? As if they are doing a horrible thing by sending their kids to daycare. If you can, take care of your friend's kids, if not, keep shut.

Here are some things I have thought about that only working moms can teach their kids:

1. Mom works because everyone needs to work to support themselves and not be dependent on others. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of honest labor.

2. Everyone has a dream, a target and a purpose of life. Mom has too. She might not work to keep food on the table. Maybe Dad can provide for all, but she works because she loves to and because she always wanted to become (insert any profession here) from when she was a kid.

3. If Mom is late from work, Dad will cook dinner. If Mom can't pick you up from daycare, Dad will. The gender gap will diminish once there is no "his chores" and "her chores" in the house. A family is a team. Everyone picks up whatever chores they can help with (like a self managing scrum team in software development). 

4. A second income. Maybe Mom earns more than Dad or may be not. But the best thing a two-income family does to the kids is offer them security. Especially in this economy, a two income family will not have to worry about basic necessities (and in many cases much more than that) even if one parent is temporarily not working.

5. Respecting your Mom (and women in general). A family where kids know that Mom is not just a person cooking, cleaning, nagging and serving everyone in general learns to respect women later as adults. A boy who knows "mom needs to rest after a hard day's work" or "mom has her deadlines to meet, let's not disturb her now" will always respect his wife later in life. 

There are plenty of examples of working moms all over the world from Marie Curie to Marissa Mayer - women who have great academic degrees, top jobs and who actually have pushed the human race a few notches up. The thing some people say about working women can't bring up kids right, I wonder if they realize Mme. Curie brought up her daughter Irene to be a Nobel Laureate herself. You want your kids to go beyond that?

Photo courtesy: Ayan Goswami :)

Things that make our house a home

The magazine Good Housekeeping publishes this every month - one thing that brings a homely touch wherever we live. Here is my list :)

1. Books, shelves full of them...be it study books, programming stuff, Bengali novels, cook books, astronomy, autobiographies, classics, about knitting....just books in general. Those ones that have been read over and over again that the page corners are well thumbed...they are my inanimate best friends forever.

2. Our chaise by the window, a hand-knit throw and a book...I can sit comfortably there and read...once ina while look out of the window and think...if you can think you would never feel bored :)

3. A glimpse of Bebe at the window the moment we pull in to the driveway. Having a pet waiting for you is a feeling that only those humans who are blessed to be pet parents know.

4. The kitties sleeping next to me. The content purrs teach me how to throw all worries out and sleep peacefully (for more than sixteen hours a day)!

5. The birds at the feeder. That is the only time when I get to see so many birds. Coming from a city where there were in total four kinds of birds that I knew of (কাক, চিল, পায়রা, চড়াই) this seems beautiful... blue jays are my favorites.

6. Those attempts from cookbooks that are a success... especially the foreign ones from Julia Child or the traditional Bengali ones from Leela Majumder.

7. Homegrown veggies... even if the tomatoes are tiny and I got a total of three cucumbers. They are priceless!

8. A bunch of assorted flowers on the dining table... just like that... :)

9. A lazy afternoon nap on the hammock in late summer. Freshly mowed grass? That's as added benefit!

10. A warm cup of coffee in bed on weekend mornings :D :D

Domestic violence, girl child day and Durga Puja

When I was in India I hardly ever heard about domestic violence. I knew some girls faced it, but we had a general idea that it doesn't happen in the cities and never in well-to-do families where girls are educated and financially stable. We didn't really talk about these, they were "not our concern". The first time I thought about it was when I was in UAB and I saw in the women's rest room, there were leaflets about domestic violence, what to do, where to seek help and related information. That told me how misinformed I was and the thing I thought was none of my concern is actually a life-threatening problem that 1 out of every 4 women face. Those women can be from the village or can come from the posh cities, they may be star students or field workers... that doesn't matter. This behavior has to be stopped.

There are many wrong ideas and many wrong behaviors. An abused woman might not always be beaten up by her husband. It is not just the physical abuse, it is the controlling nature that needs to be curbed. A husband (or partner, or in-laws) may just be overtly controlling, the victim may not have a say in matters concerning her or her family, she might not have any money to spend, they may check on her constantly, offer little or no privacy and check her emails and text messages, she won't be allowed to have any men friends, she might have to ask for permission every time she wants to go out of the house to visit her friends or family. These are all forms of abuse and are criminal activities which are punishable by law.

The title of this post has three unconnected items in it and my initial rantings were all about domestic abuse. Now let me draw the connection. All the three things are in October. This is domestic violence awareness month, today is the international day of the girl child and Durga Puja is going on as well in India. The first issue is a serious problem that haunts girls all over the world, the second point is something we should do to fix the root cause and the third divine lady can be our inspiration.

What's up with the girl child day?

It's a reminder to cherish the girls we have in our lives. I have my spirited power-puff girl, May and my cheerful, perpetually happy, tail-wagging girl, Bebe who continuously remind me of the great qualities that sometimes get over shadowed in human girls but those that we all are born with. This day is also a formal day to remind us of what we SHOULD do to empower girls, fix the root cause like I said. A girl who is taught from day one how special she is, how powerful she is and how she can chart her own destiny is extremely unlikely to fall into the vicious cycle of an abused woman. This girl would see her mother being treated with respect, even if she is from a poor family and has to work hard to make ends meet, she will learn how to be proud of honest labor. She will be encouraged to go to school even if she still has to help her family by working in the evenings. Her brother won't be treated unfairly over her, her husband will never be able to dominate her, her in-laws will never have the courage to ask for a dowry, because she is empowered. If she feels she is ill-treated, she will walk out bravely. She would never commit suicide because her in-laws tortured her for being dark complexioned nor would she continue an abusive relationship because her family would be looked down upon is she divorces her husband. She is brave and independent, her confidence will make her stand up for herself!

Durga is the divine woman who symbolizes power. She is the warrior and she fought against the devil to bring peace to heaven and earth when no other man or god could stand against that demon. Striding on a brave lion she went into the battle field undaunted of Mahishasura (the buffalo-demon) and fought for three days at a stretch before defeating him. She marks the victory of good over evil. Along with Durga, goddesses Lakshmi and Saraswati are also worshiped. They symbolize wealth and wisdom. The irony is that in India where people bend backwards to please the deities, they don't think twice before abusing women and keeping them financially unstable and not providing them with basic education. The problem is the same everywhere in the world, just that in India there is the added deification!

Maybe this year during Durga Puja we can try to understand the situation of women in our societies and can reflect on what we need to do about our lives and the girls around us during this time of the year and figure out a way to make the world a safe and happy place for the humans with X-chromosome?

Note: If you suspect anyone close to you is a victim of domestic violence, please don't keep shut by thinking "it's her personal problem". A single act of approaching her might be the difference between life and death. If you are experiencing abuse (or have in the past) don't tell yourself that you have to live with it. An abuser is a criminal and nothing, I repeat, nothing can be of more importance to you than you own well being. Stand up for your own self. Stop this behavior once and for all.

Photo courtesy: My friend Ayan Goswami :)

My comfort foods from over the world

The season suddenly changed to dark gloomy and cloudy fall from a sunny and warm summer and I promptly caught a cold. As I recover from my sniffles, cough and sneezes I am craving for warm steamy foods. I don't want spicy stuff as I don't want the burning feeling in my mouth, but I do want some warm, buttery food... so here's my list of comfort foods from all over the world.

Home-made jacket potato 

1. Pish-pash - This is probably an Anglo-Indian food, the recipe if which I got from an old Bengali writer. It is basically chicken and rice all cooked together. You can make it spicy, but I didn't. I just boiled them together with onions and potatoes and added a bay leaf for flavor. I love boiled chicken, so this dish, though bland is my idea of a very good comfort food.

2. Jacket potato - Enid Blyton introduced me to "potatoes baked in their jackets" but I didn't have the right idea. On our London tour this summer I found out for myself why the kids in Magic Faraway Tree craved this food. All you need is a big potato and add any kind of stuffing to it. My favorite is the chicken stuffing one which I had for lunch sitting opposite to Sherlock Holmes' house on Baker Street. I had ones with watercress, prawns and cheese too and I read online you can also have a chicken and bacon stuffing. I am thinking of making this for dinner tonight. Boiled chicken and bacon together! That too on a warm steamy buttery baked potato! Can anything get better than this?

3. Seafood chowder (with bacon) and toasted garlic bread - That kind of garlic bread that has butter dripping from it almost. As I said earlier, everything tastes better with bacon, so does seafood chowder. A cup of it does good to a tired and cold soul, a bowl of it, if you are that hungry... a true favorite of the Pacific North West and Arnab's most favorite soup of all time.

4. Tom-yum-gung - This one is a spicy and sour soup. The best one I had was a home made one by my
friend from Thailand. I never tasted any better at restaurants. The one with chicken (tom-yum-gai) is good, but the shrimp one is just heavenly! Lemon grass is added along with red chili paste I guess with blends to give this unique flavor. A great experience I'd say...

5. Last but not the least "sedhho bhaat" - This is the comfort food close to home! Boiled egg, potato and a bunch of other vegetables like cauliflower, pumpkin, okra, whatever you want to put in there, maybe some boiled lentils too, all mixed with steaming rice with a dollop of butter, or better yet ghee. Just the aroma will make you feel happy even before you eat the first mouthful. For people who would want it to be a little more spicy can have a few green chilies with it, or a spoonful of pickle. That is plain delicious...yum yum yum!

The red one is tom yum