A loss for Calcutta

I always believe that like friends and books, movies (to watch) should also be few and well chosen. I don't mind watching the ones I like, over and over again and I never waste my time watching those that I don't. Another thing is, for books that have been made into movies, there are only a couple where the movies are better and in one I'd say they are equal, but in most cases the movies deviate so much from the original story that I just can't watch those. Similarly, the way I imagine the main characters have a very big impact on me, so when on screen I see someone acting the part, who by no means has the look of the person in the book it just drives me mad! So you see, I am quite choosy about films.

This is probably my first post about movies and the reason I am writing this is because I have been much saddened by the sudden demise of the Bengali movie director Rituparno Ghosh.

When we were growing up, Bengali movies were probably in their darkest age. By that time, Uttam Kumar has been dead for a decade or more. Satyajit Ray too was gone. So Bengalis of Calcutta, who are of the educated class that we kind of call the middle class intelligentsia had no Bengali movie to watch. Doordarshan would telecast a Bengali movie on Sunday evening which our families would watch, but those were always the oldies. The movies that were being made at that time in Tollygunge (Bengali movie studios) were not for this elite class. Those were horrible adaptations of low category Bollywood movies which we only talked about when we discussed how horrible the movie titles are. Those were jokes, only to be laughed at. I don't remember anyone from my family going to the movie theaters (Hindi movies were also not of the standard to be watched.)

Then I remember, when I was in eighth grade, my mom watching a movie called "Unishe April" (April 19th) by some director called Rituparno Ghosh (who was a friend of my mom's cousin and an ex-student of my school). That's what I knew at that time and I think I was not really that mature as to understand that movie. Later, when "Dahan" was released I couldn't watch it because I was not yet eighteen. "Bariwali", I went to the movie theater to see it, but I didn't very much understand it too. It was in 2003 when I really liked the presentation and understood the reality behind "Chokher Bali" which is of my most favorite movies. "Antarmahal", I simply hated, but when I watched "Utsab", I was already in the States far away from home so the concept of a joint family and the basic depictions of gathering around the dinner table and such brought back fond memories of home and Calcutta. Later, I understood and very much appreciated "Unishe April", to that also, I could subtly relate to the story line, myself being the daughter of a working mom as well. "Dahan" was an extremely bold movie, laying bare the true nature of the society we are living in. In most of Rituparno's movies he showed those Bengali families that we grew up in, the ones that we can relate to the most. As his own background was in the same South Calcutta, going to perhaps the most respected school and university of Calcutta, he brought forward in his movies the same things that I relate to as "home".

Like I said before, it's not that I invariably like all his movies. There has been movies where the depiction of sexuality was too much, or I'd say not using the way a movie should. I didn't like those. But even for those movies I'd say, a director needs to experiment as well. There will be cases when he is wrong (considering we can use the word "wrong"), or he is not very clear in saying what he means. We can't judge a thing of art like that. I wouldn't say that I personally like his cross-dressing or publicly talking about his sexual preferences, but I must admit that I like his boldness and transparency. In a society where sexual discussions, forget about homosexuality is tabooed, it is almost revolutionary how he brought up those debatable topics up through his movies. I do respect that.

Later, I will not remember the peculiar way he wore a head gear or if he decided to wear a saree (that too in an odd way). People will criticize anyone who goes beyond the regular tracks set by society. I will only remember him as a movie director who brought back the elite and educate Bengalis back to the movie theaters. Now I see a bunch of young directors budding, the movies Kahaani and Bhooter Bhabishyot were extremely well directed, but those would not have been possible unless Rituparno Ghosh brought back the hope people lost in Bengali movies.

In these days when sadly Bengal has not retained the bright people she once had, Rituparno was one of those people who read a lot of books, was a charming person to converse with and in general belonged to that class which Bengalis pride themselves on. And he had so much more to offer, 49 is not an age to die nowadays. I am really sad for this loss.

When knowledge is free

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

I have become fan of these online courses that are offered for free. I can sign up for a lot of courses, stuff that I was interested in but never could get them into my formal curriculum. (I'll talk about the psychology course in a later article). But this is my way of thanking those who have kept knowledge free. Thanks to all those editors of Wikipedia articles, the world over who take it upon themselves to provide information to whoever has access to the internet. Thanks to Google for being there whenever we want to "look up" something from recipes of chicken soup to questions about the working of the Universe, stupid things as spellings and intriguing things as research papers!!! 

Also, it's not just free knowledge, but free interaction that enhances that knowledge and helps you think (and talk). Like in this online course, my classmates are literally from all across the globe. I was talking with some Russian and German guys about the human soul and creation of humans...I got some points in the argument which makes no sense to me, but it at least gives me patience to listen to their views. Even with the stuff I don't like, I still get the chance to know that those kinds of viewpoints still do exist!

PS: When you get a chance, take a little time to update articles in Wikipedia. It doesn't always have to be educational ones, you can write movie reviews too :) Throw in your two pence on a subject that you love (and know well), there'll be someone who will be happy that you did!

Blame the girls

Sounds weird, doesn't it? The title of this post, especially as something coming from a branded feminist like me? Well, yeah "feminist" is not the right word, it should be humanist, blah blah...anyway...Why do I have such a title? Let's come to the discussion.

We have said enough stuff about domestic violence. Not all the time would it be "violence", but in most cases those are subtle versions of it. When the wife is not physically harassed, but indirectly made to feel bad, looked down upon and ill treated, that would also be considered as an act of violence. The net outcome is the wife's quality of life gets worse, she suffers from low self-respect and feels miserable. Yes, it is the family to be blamed, for sure. But wait, isn't the woman responsible too for such a state of affairs? She is, and very much so.

I personally know some girls who faced similar situations. Some have gone back to live with that abusive husband (I hope he doesn't abuse her any more now), some have got divorced, some are living miserable lives but the underlying problem still remains. If these girls could stand up for themselves wouldn't that have changed the situation? I am not telling them to become abusive wives and start tormenting their husbands, but what I am saying is they need to learn how to stand up for themselves. It is NOT selfish wanting to lead a relaxed life, even if that means letting some people have a piece of your mind.

Firstly, think before you leap, that is leap into a marriage. Mind it, it's not only the people who opt for love marriages that take foolish decisions, some parents are equally likely to take stupid decisions to mess up their kids' lives. Before making a choice in caste, creed, religion, make sure that those people/family generally treats other people well. That is much more important than a lot many stuff but since there is no scale to measure these, people conveniently overlook them. Go for your gut feeling. If you don't like being with someone, just don't consent to marry that person.

Parents, please teach your girls how to respect themselves. If they don't respect themselves no one else in the world would. If a girl is taught to be a dependent, if that is what she sees around her, then is it unlikely that she will learn to stand up for herself or break free? I know of women who are so submissive that now they are being trampled over by their toddlers. Those 2-3 years old have figured out for themselves the positions of their mothers in the family so they have no problem not listening to them. This is very sad.

I would also harp on economic independence. Yeah, you can show me examples where economically dependent wives actually control their husbands' pockets, but still I would argue that unless you are economically independent it is very unlikely that you will have a truly balanced relationship in this age. Also, when a woman has a career (which is also a support group and not merely a source of income) she is confident in her abilities and there is lesser probability of her being dominated.

When there are incidents of domestic violence, the girl has to risk her marriage and stand up. There is NO reason why anyone should continue to live with someone who has abused her (even if that is only once). One who can abuse his wife once shows what material he is made of. In case of physical violence, the girl has to fight back, yes I mean physically fight back and call the police, neighbors, whomever she can, immediately!! The man has to be exposed to the society. There should be no reason why a woman should say that she still loves him. If you love your abuser, you have ceased to love your own dignity. Also, the argument that "he hits me because he actually loves me and later he profusely apologizes" doesn't even stand a chance to me. No one would hit you and make you miserable if they love you. It is mutually exclusive. No lady, he doesn't love you. In saying so he becomes a liar as well as an abuser. Parents, please don't tell your daughters to "patch up" with their abusive husbands. That way you clearly show how selfish you are, how your social status matters more than your daughters' happiness, maybe even her life. Similar thoughts for parents who give dowry during their daughters' weddings. I have my deepest contempt for these parents and I when people say "there's nothing heavenly than a mother's love", I want to bring up these women as an argument.

Source

In mellower cases of abuse, the woman would not be able to have her way. Her mother-in-law would continue to dominate the home front from cooking, laying down household rules and even suggesting when the son and daughter-in-law should have babies, telling how the baby should be brought up and so on... the daughter-in-law would be just snubbed off. In these cases, there's no point in being submissive. You have to be clear - it's your life (and your child's life) and YOU should be the one taking decisions, not them! If you don't speak up now, maybe in a few years you will see that your child has totally gone out of your hand. If you take a different stand now, maybe they will hate you, other women from your in-laws family might gossip a bit, but ultimately you'll be the winner. People who stay silent for these reasons are very selfish too. What is more important, "what they'll say" or a better quality of life?

Take your life in your own hands, do things that make YOU feel good (in a good way) and most likely, we all have only one life to live, so stop living someone else's life...be yourself and love yourself!!!

Science and religion

This is probably the longest running debate in the human world, which one should we follow, which one leads to the Absolute Truth? No one knows for certain, but everyone has a definite opinion. The worst happens when people try to impose their opinions on others and conflict happens which could lead to acts of heinous nature.

Recently, I have joined an online course on the Introduction to Psychology, where invariably, this question arose in the general discussions. As I have always found, the students almost divided into two groups and started arguing. Most of the argument can be summed up in one short sentence that says - "I am right and you are wrong!"

I don't want to dismiss the argument. If so many people have some common opinions, then I guess I should invest some thoughts in that. The thing is, as many people are saying is, if you believe in the Big Bang that one moment everything was created with a BANG then they want to call that force, or whatever that triggered the entire thing as God. Well, I don't have any objections to that. After all, what's in a name? If you call Big Bang as God, fine... it's a name. The funny thing is when different religions claim that "their God" (whatever that is) is the only hope to salvation. Well, how do they know that? They say, from the religious scriptures, which can't be questioned. Here is my objection. When you tell people that the paint on the wall is wet, they'll not believe until they check it out for themselves, but when you tell them that a certain writing is the ABSOLUTE truth, they'd believe it without a word!

Another funny thing is how the social structure got dependent on the religious side. Now tell me, where in the Hindu text (Hindus don't have any "text" per se in the first place) has anyone found about being a vegetarian? I have heard extremely non-sense arguments from people who are vegetarians (but eat eggs) about how you accumulate sin when you eat meat. Man, that I call pure creativity. You have to have a wild imagination to come up with those arguments. I don't know enough details of other religions yet, but I am sure "asking questions" which makes religious leaders uncomfortable is not encouraged in any. The main thing that makes me dismiss all these is if every religion claims the God that they follow to be the one and only solution, then how many Gods are there in total? Also, say an alien is visiting us to whom we lay down the facts about all religions, how would we convince it to follow one religion and not the other? How would the religions lay their case?

Carl Sagan has stated some wonderful points in Contact when Ellie Arroway was asked why she isn't an atheist instead of being agnostic. True, Occam's Razor would make me an atheist from that point, but then again, to be atheist is to confidently believe that God isn't there. I am too small a human with extremely little knowledge to say that God doesn't exist. So, the best thing I should say is "I don't know". The one last question I have is this - I understand that science can't tell us for sure how the Universe was made, nor can religion, but scientists are open to different ideas. Say, if tomorrow someone truly finds out something that is faster that light, scientists the world over would have no problem in accepting that. But would religious people be open to accepting something that is more powerful than God? I don't think so.

Here's what my goal  is - think....think rationally and DON'T accept anything unless you know that to be true. In the mean time, there are plenty of stuff to do in the physical world. Help others, learn things, grow yourself and don't waste time and energy on senseless superstition or vague spirituality.

Sights and smells around the house

There are some stuff related to household chores which I like...the feel of some, the smell of another...they make me feel "at home". Here's a list of those....

1. Squeaky clean hardwood floors - there's something about clean, smooth hardwood floors that I very much like. They make the room look bigger, cleaner and net as a whole. Also, they feel nice to the foot, a warm and homely thing...

2. Clothes out from the dryer - "clean linen" I'd call them. They are just amazing.

3. Water on plants on a summer evening - when the Sun gets down on a warm summer evening and the plants and grass are watered, there is a very nice smell that I get even from the bedroom window upstairs (which overlooks the yard). That smell, mingled with the last rays of the evening in the west and the evening star combines to create a perfect summer evening :)

4. White bed sheets and pillow cases - they have a cool, fresh and clean look to them. Just the sight of them at the end of a tiring day relaxes me.

5. White bath towels with bright borders - another cozy thing...this is what I call the "classic towels". I pretty much hate patterned towels, unless it is for kids. Towels with monograms are very pretty too. We have white ones monogrammed with a tall "R" which are very classy looking too. 

6. A hand made throw and a book on a comfortable recliner - this is one of my best things ever in the house. It is something I personally feel good about our house and when I see this in other houses, it gives me a very nice impression about those people in most cases. A nook would be even better, but the recliner or chaise works well too.

7. Dinner on the porch - I never realized how nice this thing is. It's like a miniature camping trip in itself. With chirping birds and a cool breeze, not to mention Bebe chasing tennis balls and Peanut Butter lazying around on the grass, the wind chime playing its own music, scent of citronella coming from a candle in  little red lantern... our tiny back yard feels so good :)

8. Smell of something baking on a chilly evening - be it the holiday cookies or a hearty stew.

It's important for a house to look pretty, but the most important thing is for it to look "lived in". I have seen beautiful houses that look like pictures of glossy magazines but I would definitely never feel comfortable living there. I am not saying there needs to be clutter everywhere for me to feel good, but a clean, nice house with all the things I mentioned do make me feel good :)