India

When I was tiny, I remember my sister teaching me when the birthdays for people in our family are. She taught me that Aug. 13 is my own birthday and Aug. 15 is India's birthday! Yes, in a true sense it is. I remember very well in 1997 on the morning of Aug. 15 when I picked up The Statesman and something caught my eye - Two dominions are born - was the big headline. What!! I exclaimed as I saw Jawaharlal Nehru's picture. Then it struck me and I saw the date. Statesman intentionally draped the front page of their newspaper from 1947 after fifty years! That was fun. So our country was born in 1947. But we can't and shouldn't forget our rich heritage that dates back thousands of years.

Our country is in a bad shape now. I know that like every other person. It is terribly over populated, run by corrupt politicians and nothing seems to work correctly. In every possible place from health care to education and professors to cricketers all seem to be seeped in corruption. There are power failures at hospitals, villages still don't have motor-able roads, lack of proper education leads to problems in almost all places, religious leaders reign supreme, police officers work for political parties... you name it.

But, that is home!

That is the land I was born and that is the land where my roots are. In the crowded fish markets where Bengalis throng in the morning to bargain for the freshest Ilish, where school-college and office goers board buses like sardine cans, with the conductor crying "pechhoner dike egiye cholun" (advance towards the back - the most common oxymoron of the streets of Calcutta), in the Southern breeze that comes from the distant oceans, in the cheers during cricket matches... that's where I am from.

India will survive...The land which has withstood invasions over thousands of years by the Sakas, Huns, Greeks, Mughals, British and French does not have to fear anything. We came out of all problems, we will come out of this too.

That is where Indians will find their home...in the sage who sits in a cave in the Himalayas, in a tiny lamp that floats on the Ganga at Varanasi, in the colors of Rangoli and glass bangles, in the red bordered white sarees and taste of fish and mishti-doi, the platter of banana leaves and the fireworks of Diwali! That will never go away and with it the land stretching from the snow capped Himalayas with tulip fields in Kashmir in the north to the land of coconut palms, backwaters and tropical rainfall of Kerala in the south, to the fertile green plains of Bengal in the east to the golden desert of Rajasthan in the west will always be there to give us a feel of home...

বলো বলো বলো সবে 

শত বীণা বেণুরবে 

ভারত আবার জগতসভায় শ্রেষ্ঠ আসন লবে 

The last year in my twenties

I may look like someone in her teens (I get carded everywhere possible), but the truth is this is my last year in the twenties! Even though it sounds like I am slowly creeping towards the really grown-up age but well, that shouldn't be bad right? It is just another decade, life goes on in the same way...the world stays the same...

Things were so different for me 29 years back though...it was like a Big Bang. Till the time I was born there was just darkness, then in a moment I was flooded with information. Light, sound, touch, pain, smell, taste and the basic consciousness about being alive. Isn't that the best thing? To be alive in this world!!

A world full of people and animals, beautiful blue sky, bright sun, stars like diamonds, green trees and fields of wheat. To be alive to cherish these beautiful things, to smell a rose, to pick a home grown ripe tomato, to roll on the cool grass on a summer afternoon, to walk up snowy ridges and to see the lapping waves of an ocean at my feet is worth living.

To grow up in a family where one is loved and cared for, the very fact that there are happy childhood memories, to have a husband who is a friend and partner, to have friends to hang out with from all over the world, friends who speak different languages, come from different religions and cultures but with whom you can share little details of your life. Co-workers who help and teach, who encourage you to try out new things, learn new technology. Teachers (physical and virtual) who inspire and teach you good morals and lead by example. The things we can take in from this world to enrich our lives, those are the best.

If you don't love yourself, no one else would. If you don't respect yourself, then also no one else would. However, pets are different. They are the only beings who love you without any expectation. I am so blessed to have Mota, May, Peanut Butter and Bebe in my life. Every night when Mota lays himself down next to me, cuddled up into a fur ball, I feel so great and every morning it's Bebe with her enthusiastic jump on the bed who wakes me up with a "Good morning" woof!

Life is great when you feel great. And you feel great when you accomplish something good, when you love and are loved in return, when people appreciate you or just feel good when you are around. With that comes sharing all the good stuff I have...when I am happy I would like others to be happy. There is so much to do and so much to learn...I don't know if one lifetime will be enough for all that.

On Bengali marriages

There might be some article on marriages, yes not weddings, but I haven't seen them, so I wanted to write one of my own. Like everything, the concept of a marriage has changed a lot over the ages and the transformation has been great over the last half century or so. I would concentrate on the Bengali ones, but I guess those are pretty much similar to the ones all over India.

In the 1800s, girls were married off when they were little kids and their husbands would be in their early to mid teens. As they were so little, girls would keep on living at her father's house for some more years, until she becomes of child bearing age, that would be her early teens though. Those marriages would involve a middle man, or woman, who would bring information of prospective brides and grooms. Then caste and astrological matches were calculated, with that the basic things of if the girl is pretty or if the groom's father has say a lot of land would be looked into. The bride and the groom would never ever see one another. In most cases their parents would not see their prospective spouses either until the very day of wedding.

Later, with boys getting more educated and some of them moving out into the cities for higher education, they started complaining about early marriages. As a result, the age of boys went up significantly from teenage to early twenties. Conservative families still didn't like this and even though some families encouraged their sons to go see their would-be spouses, many other families totally rejected that idea. In the stories of Rabindranath, we see these young men who would at times go with their guy friends to see the brides. Some of these men who were open to western education didn't want to get married to child brides. Even with a wide age difference of ten years or more, they wanted a little older girls. Especially for families in Calcutta, school educated brides slowly became common. Those girls would be able to read and write Bengali, they read story books and were proficient in writing letters. In the famous novel "Prothom pratishruti" that was the kind of daughter-in-law Satyabati wanted.

With the onset of Brahmoism, a class of Bengalis became extremely well educated and shun the rigid orthodoxy. Here I am talking about late 1800s to early to mid 1900s. It was the time when Bengal Renaissance lit up the entire society and people gained that consciousness to question what is right and what is wrong. Even though all these were arranged marriages, that is the family decided on the match, both the brides and grooms were allowed to meet one another before the wedding. There might be a few "love marriages" in those days, of people inspired by the British, but those were negligible.

From the mid 1900s, love marriages increased in count. Also, in some of those marriages, the spouses were from different castes and backgrounds, which in those days were small revolutions I'd say! However, in most of these cases, the common trend was the new bride would move in with her in-laws. Even though educated, she still would not have a career. There were some women who were teachers, but mostly they would leave their jobs, if at all they had any, after marriage. Some men who were working out of the city would take their wives along, but generally people stayed with their families in their ancestral homes.

In the later part of 1900s, say in around the 60s, a new trend grew among the well educated community. Then young men started to leave the country and settle abroad. Before, there were barristers, engineers and doctors who would go to study in Britain, but they came back after completing their studies. This new generation did not come back. They were the first instances of brain drain. They took their wives with them to the USA and had their kids there. They would come once a year or so to visit, but that was all. These wives in most cases found a career abroad and they were the ones who had their "own home" outside that of their parents and in-laws.

The concept of nuclear families became more apparent and normal families started to be called as "joint families". People moved out of their ancestral homes, partly because those old houses became too much to maintain and flats were easier to maintain and gave a sense of independence as well. From the 70s, women were working as well in many families and so they wanted to have a different set up and not tow the lines of their mums-in-law. The concept of marriage went through a lot of change. These young women were married in their early twenties. By that time they completed their graduation and some even studied for post-graduation after getting married. If they were working, they wouldn't give up their jobs just because they are married now and the families realized that another source of income is always welcome. Also, families started having lesser number of kids, so parents didn't really worry about marrying off their daughters at an early age.

When we were growing up, parents did not want us to get married before settling into a job or securing our studies well into completion. In our generation, even for arranged marriages, these young people were not just allowed, but encouraged to go out together, watch movies, eat out so as to know one another better before marriage. This is a very big step. Also, nowadays there are at most two kids in the family, in many cases just one. So girls are getting similar encouragement for studies, extra curricular activities and career guidance. When marriages are arranged by parents, the only difference is that the bride and groom are introduced to one another by the family instead of they themselves taking that step.

Expectations have also changed a lot over the ages. From the time where wives were supposed to cover their heads all the time and not speak in front of elders, nowadays girls comfortably wear western clothes at their in-laws place and continue to have a normal life without any restrictions. Many people have their own setup even when they live in the same city. Living in a different apartment doesn't mean that they are not on good terms with their parents or in-laws. It is just a comfortable distance.

With people debating about the differences of love marriage and arranged marriage and about women's lib in our current society, I'd end this article with a funny story. This is from Leela Majumder's story, I am just translating. Long back in the late 1800s, a very emancipated family decided to let their daughter see her prospective husband and then the girl and her would-be husband can choose to proceed with the match or not. An extremely bold step in those days. Everything was planned and this family went on a picnic to the zoo where the young man would come with his friends. The men walked round the place where the girl was sitting, she really liked the young man and gave her approval when asked. Later, on the wedding evening she found out that he was not the guy whom she liked! No one specifically told her which one among the group of guys was her future husband!! Well, but at that time she was already married and she didn't complain about it. They lived happily married for sixty long years...it is for a reason they say marriages are made in heaven!

Culture SHOCK!!!

Shock would be too mild a word to describe my (and Arnab's) feelings yesterday. We were YouTube surfing to find something to watch last evening when Arnab came across some Bengali movie song, the name of which he couldn't comprehend at once. We played the song to see what it is about and that is when we got this shock. It is horrifying to watch that. I'd any day prefer a third class alien movie over it. The guy is Jeet, and I don't know the girl, but they were dancing to this song which had totally disgusting lyrics and the vulgar clothes and dance moves actually would hurt the eye. We probably have seen similar things in Bollywood songs a lot, but it makes me sad to see these getting reflected in Bengali culture, a culture which we so dearly love and are proud to show case in the world.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I am bragging about it, but I would still say the brain drain that started in the late 1960s and is continuing till date has started to show its effects back home. Every year a batch of bright students are scooped up and barring a few exceptions, the not so brights are left behind. They may go abroad for higher studies or go to other parts of India for work. Whatever it is, Calcutta (and Bengal) have started to see a gradual decline in the quality of people.

I have left home six years now and every year I visit I see sub-standard people around in places like Victoria Memorial, Museum and those other ones which were frequented by students and young kids brought by their families. Instead the rush seems to be at South City Mall, where it seems just roaming around in the mall has become the latest trend. Talking about movies and tv shows, only a handful of movies like Bhooter Bhabishyot, Kahaani or Meghe Dhaka Taara are worth mentioning. The rest are of the lot I started this article with. They are reflections of the substandard Bollywood culture which Bengalis have always looked down upon. Last time in Calcutta I saw dance shows for kids on TV which I just couldn't stand. What do they plan to do? What do they plan to teach the young kids? To want to grow up as those dancers?

Where did Bournvita Quiz Contest go? Or the science quizzes for high school kids sponsored by Doordarshan ? Isn't there anything constructive like debates or proper classical song and dance competitions? Do they still have sit and draw competitions in school like the ones Fevicryl organized for us? I doubt. And these things are shocking me, horrifying me as well as saddening me.

A few recent Bengali movies I watched all had something or the other about extra marital relationships. They show drinking and smoking as a new fashion even among girls. I mean, come on, this generation has grown up knowing the effects of smoking, even after that how can they think it to be a fashion statement. And girls!! Do they not know the ill effects smoking has on the health of girls, especially when they want to have kids later? For those people who watch these movies and think this is what happens in the West, FYI, it doesn't. Smoking and drinking are considered extremely bad in the West as well as everywhere else. Other than a glass of wine or a mug of beer I haven't seen "parties" where the sole reason is to drink. Well, it is different among college kids, they do drink beer, but not among grown ups. Being drunk is a bad thing. As for smoking, there are major disincentives for that and smokers smoke on the sly, they don't show it off.

I read a few "interviews" of Bengali soap stars. They are so below the standard that the movies they say they like or the actors they love can't go beyond Bollywood movies. If someone says her favorite movie is "Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam" then I have got to worry about that person's intellect. Someone who is unintelligent in one way would most likely be unintelligent in every other way.

If this is what Bengali "culture" has down graded to, then I will be totally happy to not teach my kids anything about Bengal. It will be much better to NOT know Bengal at all than to know these disgusting down market stuff. I would have said the culture is going to the dogs, but I won't because yesterday when the horrid song was on, Bebe jumped up and barked in her most mad way and tried to bite us and make us stop that song. Bebe seems to have got much better taste than many of our fellow humans.

Stay unfair, stay beautiful

This is a cliched topic I know, but promoting dark complexion seemed such a refreshing break that I decided to give it a thought and write about it.

In India, I think it came from the Aryan invasion when the dark skinned Dravidians were defeated and driven off beyond the Vindhyas. From then the fair skinned Aryans thought they were a "superior race" and how else to distinguish from the natives other than skin color? "Non-Aryan" became a swear word and inter-racial marriage was not considered a good thing. We have a long history of racism and discriminating against dark skinned people, thousands of years older than the civil rights issues. Like humans still carry forward some remnants of evolution, we Indians have carried forward the skin color bias. In the marriage-market (it is sort of a market, where parents of brides and grooms try to "sell" their products), being a dark skinned girl is a curse. Fair boys definitely need matching fair brides and dark boys also need fair girls to compensate for their darkness. Then what happens to the dark girls? This is a riddle which is not yet been solved. In a society where the words fair and pretty are synonymous, it is no wonder that fairness creams are marketed really easily. What do the advertisements show? A girl who could not get married or a girl who was not sure if she'll make it to the Indian idol all used fairness creams to bleach their faces and look pale and finally reached their individual goals. No mention about their talents, no mention about hard work...just fairness!!! Is it what we really want to teach our girls?

Nandita Das' campaign just caught my eye. She is a very beautiful and bright lady who has a dark complexion. But like many other pretty ladies with sharp features, I think she wouldn't have looked this pretty if she was paler. She is insisting girls stay the way they are and stay beautiful. Nothing is prettier than the natural skin tone you are born with. Same goes for hair and eye color. They all compliment one another. How would an Asian girl look in blonde hair? Or an African girl with blue-green eyes? It somehow wouldn't match.

While all these stuff happen about fairness in India, here in the West it is all about tanning. People are getting skin cancer by exposing to the harmful UV rays but that doesn't stop them from tanning. Bronzers are available everywhere and when I went to buy a face powder, the lady at Macy's gave me one which would make me look a shade *darker* than what I was. Ironically, when we were growing up in India, I knew that while choosing foundation, you need to choose one that is a shade *lighter* than what you are. My skin tone is exactly in the "medium" range so the funny thing I get to see is here I am offered face products in the warm shades and in India they offer me products of the same brand in the cool shade!! LOL!!

The grass keeps on staying greener on the other side...that part is for sure. The only thing is when people try doing destructive things to look better be it pressure from the society or from fashion magazines, that is where we need to make it stop.

Girls, stay exactly as you are - fat, thin, dark, fair, tall, short, whatever... nothing matters. Just eat well, do healthy stuff, go out with friends, dress up (in anything you feel comfortable), hang out with boy friends, make a reach a target in life in work or school and sleep a lot. These would keep you healthy and happy. Well, after all there is nothing more beautiful than a bright smile :)

Superhit Muqabla

Bollywood songs have not really been considered a good thing when we were growing up. Unlike the millennial parents, our parents did not encourage us to wear skimpy clothes as kids and participate in dance competitions which are "in" things nowadays. Watching Superhit Muqabla was our only way to enjoy Hindi film songs.

How we loved that! It has been twenty years since, but I still have fond memories of that TV show. There would be a countdown of ten songs and there would be a jockey who would present it. Finally they had a round where there was a lucky draw. I have forgotten what happened to that "lucky person" but I remember that everyone were sending so many post cards that post offices were almost running out of those!

The glittery world of music, song and dance was very attractive to our young minds. There would be pretty girls and handsome boys dancing in picturesque locations wearing fashinable clothes which we did like to watch. We really didn't understand most of the songs at that time, mostly because I didn't understand Hindi was actually a boon. A few months back Arnab and I did a recap of Superhit Muqabla where we watched snippets of those songs on YouTube. Then it became very clear why our parents didn't like us watching those songs. Most of them were not suitable for kids, not even teenagers! They seemed so extraordinarily impractical now and made no sense. But we liked to watch them.

The funny thing is I am shocked to see how well we still remember the songs that we listened to all these twenty years back. I tried to figure out what is the reason for remembering these songs when we don't have the slightest clue of what were there in our school books from that same time....but I just couldn't find the reason!

These songs act as stress relievers, because you don't need to think much while listening to them, most of them have a nice rhythm and they are good candidates for easy listening. Sometimes they are good as background music when you are cleaning the house or cooking. The rapid beats make you work faster and you feel good. 

Yesterday I was listening to "Ande ka funda" while at work. The weird song did really make me feel good even when my REST requests were not behaving the way they should have :)

The girl after my own heart

A few days back I posted the following picture of May on my Facebook timeline and said that if I ever have a human daughter, I'd want her to be like May.

Why so? Well, look at the picture and tell me what you see. Don't you see courage personified? Don't you see confidence in those green eyes? Isn't the way she is show perfect poise and grace? And she is so regal and pretty with such a no-nonsense attitude about her!! It is true sometimes she hates being picked up, or snaps at the brush during her grooming, but that is ok. What ultimately matters is a soul who is totally comfortable with her existence and can very well rule the rest. That is why I love May so much and that's the sole reason I want a human daughter like May. Whom, people will have to think twice (or a few more times) before wanting to mess with. May lets others know that with some timely smacks by her little claws that can tear apart dogs' noses and vets' hands. 

Brave, confident and graceful. Those are the attributes I like in girls. Those are the things that makes a girl the beautiful yet resilient being on whom everyone can depend. 

If we have more girls like May, I am sure there will be much less tolerance towards oppression. These brave girls will fight for the right cause and would never be hesitant to strike back. They will reach their full potential and make use of their talents. However, they will retain and develop on their feminine identity. Feminine should not mean all pink and fluffy stuff, nor should it bring the image of a docile, placid little thing who is always comfortable in a subservient role. A perfectly feminine girl can have a bold and strong personality and can rule the world. 

I love you May. I wish you all the warmth and comfort and a sunny kitty condo near the window. So that you can sit there all day and hiss at the passers-by (humans and dogs and Peanut Butter) and later you can fight with your brother and sister and drive them off from your room. Wish you all the kitty-pleasures that your kitty-heart wants :) You are truly the girl after my own heart!