Holding women back

Have you heard of the term "likeability factor"? When a woman is assertive and imposes her ideas with power, then she is considered bossy and disliked by her peers or managers. However, if she focuses on "being nice" then she gets bulldozed and pushed off to the side. A classic example of damned if you do, damned if you don't. Isn't it?

In the wake of India finally winning two medals this Olympic, and both of them won by female athletes, I was wondering about the situation these girls had to endure. There are certain sports which may be fine for a girl in India, like badminton or tennis, or even golf. For gymnastics, I can see people saying, "what will you do by becoming a gymnast?" but maybe not in such a bad way. But for a wrestler, I simply can't fathom what she had to go through, especially as she was trained at a place which only allowed boys. The state this wrestler is from, is notorious for female feticide and infanticide. So much so that the male to female ratio got very much skewed in the recent past. In an Indian household, the "likeability factor" becomes whether you can be a traditional daughter-in-law or not. In the name of upholding your family honor, basically girls are tied down and their wings clipped.

That is one common thing across all countries, cultures, religions throughout the ages. I am reading a book called "Daughters of the Samurai" and I realized this once again. When the three young Japanese girls came to the US and got rid of their kimonos, the first thing they realized was that they could leap over garden paths, catch falling flower petals on their laps and didn't have to walk by shuffling their feet in between the kimono wraps. A small bit of independence, right?

Let's start from the most serious ones. Women who talk less are liked more. I know this very well because I am a famous chatterbox. A person who is introvert, shy, doesn't speak much means what? That she doesn't let her opinions come forward. She would keep quiet when her parents arrange for a match. In the east, a "good girl" should not choose her own husband. It is shameful. Parents and elders would decide what she would do with her life and she should just follow that.

After getting married, she agains drowns her own likes and dislikes and maintains her "likeability" by serving her in-laws without making a fuss. If she chooses to keep her maiden name then she is not really showing her love for her husband. If she wants to keep her job and be independent, then also she is not fulfilling the role of a true daughter in law.

Then comes the question of babies. If a woman decides not to have babies then the whole world will remind her how horrific and selfish her decision is. In this regard the West is no better than the East. In over populated countries at least abortion is a legal and religion is not brought into it in every step. A mother choosing abortion would be demonized in no time.

Women have been drawn back in the name of family, babies, by drilling into their heads that their dreams don't matter, it is the husband and the kids who need to be made happy. They are also drawn back in the name of culture (whatever that means) and are constantly reminded of the fact that women are less capable than men. Recently, the funny (yet strong) Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui publicly told reporters that her periods made it difficult for her to swim. China almost fell apart at that comment. Women didn't understand how she swam while on periods because they back there don't use tampons. I understood that very well because growing up I never used tampons either, and I knew that you just don't swim or do any difficult physical activity while on periods.

It is just so wrong. You can do everything while on periods. The more active you are, the less cramps you get.

On Friday, I was in a similar situation as Fu Yuanhui and though decades and centuries of foremothers were telling me that I should rest after coming back from work, I disregarded those thoughts, put on my training clothes and went to the gym. After my regular training, I also swam for half an hour. The water and the stretching helped my muscles relax. It was a small step in my life, nothing major in the context of troubles women are facing all over the world. But for me, I know that I am not letting myself be held back physically just because I was born with X chromosome instead of Y.

India and Olympics - is it mutually exclusive?

"Mens sana in corpore sano" - a healthy mind in a healthy body. We all know what it means, that is we know theoretically what it mean, but our generation of Indians (or rather, the entire sub continent) has failed to understand that a healthy body is a rich possession. Probably the most important possession we have been endowed with by Nature or God whatever your choice of belief is.

On this Independence Day, I am writing this article with quite a lot of disappointment. Over the last few days as I saw Michael Phelps, Katie Ledecky, Maya Dirado, Nathan Adrian, Simon Biles and their teams going up to the podium again and again, their faces radiant at the sound of "The Star Spangled Banner", inside I was longing for that day when I would see our tricolor rising and hear the familiar tune of my most favorite song in the world. However, to this day, even after refreshing the webpage over and over again, the medal count of India still remains zero.

I have seen the comments praising our athletes, encouraging Dipa Karmakar for her "vault of death" and consoling ourselves that our athletes have won hearts if not medals. But even before you start the competition, when a country of 1.2 billion citizens only have 120 participants, we have started to lose. When a billion people pin their hopes on one 22 year old girl, that is when we have lost.

Why is it so?

Every time I raised this question I was flooded by replies of - poverty and corruption. Yes, it is true. When an athlete can't afford one square meal how can you expect them to compete with those who have the best training and nutrition? I agree, it is sad. Perhaps, worse is the corruption which is all pervading in our government. Government officials traveled business class to Rio and the athletes came all the way cramped like sardines in a can. But that isn't the only problem. The problem starts from the society.

"Which family would want a daughter in law who can run round kicking football all day, but can't make round chapattis?" 

Remember this? This is where our losses start from. A society where teenagers are encouraged to study for 12 or 14 hours before exams, where engineering entrance exam is considered more important than a kid's life, where schools don't have playgrounds and parents firmly tell boys to forget about cricket and football once they have reached 9th grade can't really set the scene for athletes to grow. And if you are a girl, then you have to jump through hoops of fire.

We are setting up generations of people who have no connection with physical activities. I am one of them as well. It took me 25 years to start hiking actively and 7 more years to learn to swim. Why? Because all the activities I wanted to do, my parents told me that as I wear glasses, I should not do it, for the fear of breaking my glasses. I wonder if the glasses were more important than a life skill or learning a new sport.

Here in the West, I am reminded of our lack of physical ability quite frequently. When we went hiking yesterday, Arnab and I were the ones who had to turn around at 7500 ft because we were going much slower than the rest of the team. The others made it to base camp at 10,000 ft, we couldn't. The hobbies we talked about while young were mainly reading, listening to music, painting or singing, at most dancing. There are many people from the cities who can't even ride a bike properly (me included). Here most kids start camping and hiking from a really early age, followed by swimming, gymnastics, skiing, snowboarding and what not. Most normal people go to the gym regularly. Women can do push-ups, they train with weights, build muscles. Things that in India are still unheard of. Yes, it is true that there are millions of unhealthy people here and obesity is almost an epidemic now, but my point is that the society encourages physical activities of every kind. When we travel, finding a hotel with a good view of the mountain range is enough for most people. To trek in the Himalayas, for which Americans and Europeans travel half the world over, is an activity hardly a handful of Indians are interested in. Olympians don't grow overnight. Like it takes the athletes years and years of discipline and practice, it also takes the society years and years of patience and right decisions.

We used to write essays on the benefits of sports. Our teachers and parents probably would have done better for us if they understood those benefits themselves.

So the next time you share that picture of Dipa Karmakar glorifying that you watched gymnastics for the first time in your life because of her, remember that you are part of the reason she couldn't bring a medal back. If you watched gymnastics for the first time in 2016 only because she could make it all the way there, there is no wonder that your generation failed to produce any gymnasts. Dipa Karmakar apologized to the Nation for disappointing us, I think we are the ones who should apologize to the athletes for failing to provide a proper platform for them.

Talking about delayed gratification

It is quite common knowledge that delayed gratification is a good thing. Waiting for something good, preparing yourself for a better future, have been drilled into kids across all cultures in many different ways. For example, which Indian kid didn't grow up hearing parents say, "if you study now, you will have a secure future which you will be able to enjoy much more". We know that sacrificing small enjoyments now, especially those of smaller significance, generally leads to happier things later. Education and career together generally comprise of a good example. Of course, I would point out here that there needs to be a balance. There can be nothing more sad than a kid wasting his entire childhood only for securing good marks. I have seen some people like that, and sadly, they didn't really enjoy their adult lives either. Most of them became socially awkward and lacked friends.

St. Francis watching over all creatures big and small

Anyway, in my life, the best form of delayed gratification and the happiness gained from that has come through gardening. I had almost no idea about gardening before we moved to this house. Like everything, I wanted to try my hand at this new adventure and very soon I figured out that the first thing needed, even before I got my hand into potting soil, compost or even my gloves, was patience. I lack that skill, but however much I may want the plants to grow, they would not listen to me. They need to and always will follow Nature. Yes, I can fertilize them, but even with that I can't really make them DO anything.

We got a garden arbor and I wanted to have a climber grow on it. I have seen many pictures of lovely arbors in Europe where climbing roses cover the entire arch. So I got a plant that would supposedly thrive here in part shade and dug up a big hole and stuck that in there next to the arbor. It was a skinny little thing with weak tendrils. I watched its buds come out one by one and little green shoots emerging from there. Painstakingly, I would wrap the young branches around each bar of the arbor and would think of the day it would be able to climb over to the other side.

Two years passed. Last Fall it showed beautiful fall coloring before calling it a year. This Spring, tiny buds emerged one day and magically the next morning, the bright green young leaves came out. It reminded me of the Bengali poem "কাল ছিল ডাল খালি , আজ ফুলে যায় ভরে। বল দেখি তুই মালী, হয় সে কেমন করে?" 

(Yesterday the branches were all lonely, today they are filled with flowers, tell me Gardener, how can this be?)

Over the arch

Now, in summer that same plant has formed a leafy canopy over the arching arbor and many new branches have grown. Actually it is becoming so crowded there that we have installed two more trellises so that the young tendrils can hang on to them. It is so peaceful to stand under the arbor and look up. Busy spiders weave their webs carefully that glisten in the morning sunshine. A climbing rose is making its way up the arbor, dotting the green foliage with blood red flowers. Bees buzz around, birds chirp. It is like a little nook of peace and quietude. 

Revelations of a student's life

I was an above average student for most of my life, but I have been notorious about my hatred towards studying for exams. Growing up in a culture where academic abilities were considered to be even more important than other normal social qualities, I had the habit of studying only as much as I needed to get a decent enough grade (and sometimes even poorer grades made me feel ok enough). I saw no reason why teenagers need to waste two thirds of their days just to score high marks and I still see no value in that. What I am trying to get to is that I didn't like formal education.

To say that I didn't like to go to school or college would be totally wrong though. As someone who gains energy from being with people, I definitely enjoyed school and college both, but being a day scholar, I had no idea what an ideal "campus life" should be. I was introduced to it though the bright and shiny colorful magazines at USEFI where I went for my GRE preparation. When I saw those pictures of college students sitting on grassy fields studying together or walking, working at labs, I unknowingly started to dream of a future like that. In the last semester of my undergrad, I had the opportunity to represent our college at a tech fest of the prestigious IIT. Don't ask me about the projects or how we did there, but I can confidently say that my gain from that short trip was huge! Other than the fact that I was introduced to many other young students from the rest of the country and had the luck to attend a speech by Capt. Rakesh Sharma, I also found out what that campus life is all about. One evening after dinner, as we were walking to the load runner robot trials I felt a deep sense of independence and I was really looking forward to the University days that were soon to come.

Many people have dreams about University, what I mostly wanted to do was ride a bicycle in the campus wearing shorts. I am glad to report that it came true in the summer of 2008!

I actually started studying on my own and out of my own interest during my masters and I could finally feel that life was what you want it to be. Things were tough, like I had very little money, programming was hard (given my shaky foundations of the subject) and cooking a decent meal was an ordeal, but life was good in general.

Last weekend, I had these feelings come in a wave as I visited the world famous Stanford University. Like a hallowed place, I felt that the campus is thriving with new ideas, hard work, immense intellectual power and all the good things that go with it. Just like people believe that religious places have a good spirit hanging around, I believe that universities and laboratories have that too (maybe much more than places of religion). Simple thing is that both Arnab and me, coming from humble academic backgrounds felt like attending classes once more, work in the labs and learn new things. The power of learning conquered all the bad experiences of memorizing long notes without understanding, reading photocopies, having disgusting teachers and the whole concept of scoring marks for a better future. Walking through the peaceful campus where teachers were meeting under the shade of a tree and students taking naps on benches in between classes, I should admit I felt jealous, especially at the sight of students riding their bikes to class. I remembered my own college days where I had to carry books from the library along with my T and roll pack, managing my clothes while sitting precariously on a three wheeled public transport wondering if the guy next to me is getting unnecessarily close on purpose. These universities do not lack funds, students don't have to choose a particular course because the other choices are unavailable due to lack of a teacher, student politics are unheard of, cafeterias don't overflow with students smoking cigarettes. The ambience is of learning, peace and quiet. Yes, it is true that stray incidents do happen here too, like the recent criminal case at Stanford, but those incidents can't tarnish the quality of these places.


I asked my parents why they didn't choose to migrate here, because then I would have got better career choices and at least wouldn't have to struggle for maintaining my work visa or wait for years to get a permanent residency. But then I also realized that while it is true that nobody would prefer to struggle over getting a plush life, these experiences have made me what I am today. The fact that I know both sides of the equation would at least make me grateful for the the life that I have today.

A small step for mankind, but a giant leap for me

What is the connection between - ghosts, swimming and driving a car? You can get really creative and draw convoluted connections between the three, but in general, there is none. Actually there is. I got over my fear of all three of them in the last four days and utilizing the same concept.

Thirty two is double the age of new drivers. Here kids actually get a drivers license at sixteen (two years before what the legal age is in India), so I am more than enough old to drive. It is not that I can't drive, but the problem was that I lacked the confidence to drive on the freeway. Changing lanes while you (and the car next to you) are going at sixty five mph is not really that easy. Then there are the crazy people who change lanes all of a sudden without any indicator, those ones who text, those who yell at people on the phone, and even apply eye makeup! So the net outcome was I was scared, so I didn't drive on the freeway, as a result I never gained that confidence.

I did attempt to swim back in India in a pool with probably seventy other girls. All I learned was the kicking. The pool obviously was overcrowded, there was no concept of a swim lane and it went from three feet to six feet depth within a very short distance. The bottom of the pool was slippery tiled so I was always terrified of slipping and drowning at the six feet end. I guess another big problem was that without glasses I couldn't see what was going around so I never felt comfortable enough to swim. Closing your eyes while swimming doesn't give a good sense of balance. I attempted swimming here again and I learned the techniques for freestyle. Holding on to the kick-board, I would be fine, but the moment I had to let go of the kick-board I would start panicking. Same outcome - scared, didn't attempt to swim, never gained confidence to plunge in water.

Ghosts are a little too tricky. I have hardly ever watched any ghost movie, but I have read a lot of ghost stories and I was terribly scared of ghosts. The worst part is that, when I am alone and trying to sleep, at that precise moment all random ghost stories would pop up in my brain. Then I would be terrified for a long time at night and get startled at any creaking sound in the house.

The solution for all these came through my swim teacher. She is one of the most direct and no-nonsense people I have ever met. I appreciate the fact that she doesn't sugarcoat her thoughts towards me. When I showed her all that I know, she asked me to just swim. Then I said, I am scared that I won't be able to breathe properly and she replied, "that is not fear, that is laziness. Get over it!" She explained that I, or rather my body knows exactly what to do in water, it is just the brain that is doubting it. "Give your brain something else to think about," she said, "remind yourself to just keep on kicking and that will keep you afloat." I followed that advice. When I was turning my head to breathe, I didn't think of the breath, I just kept my focus on the kicks and consciously kept my head in water. It is very counterintuitive but the more you lower your head, the better your body will float. I talked to many people here who have forgotten when they learned how to swim, maybe they were just splashing around in the family pool and just got to swim. Initially, I would have felt bad that we never really got this chance and now I am so old. But then I found out that most of these people can't swim well, they don't know the techniques of breathing or the right body positions. I have learned late, but I have learned the right thing.

Once, I could swim, I thought what was the trick. Then I figured out that the main thing is giving my brain something else to think. I applied the same logic for driving on the freeway. Just like the swim movements, I know the basics of driving. I know how to go forward, reverse, change lanes, etc. Then it is just the brain that is over thinking. So I concentrated more on the muscle memory and the reflex part but I played some songs to divert the overthinking brain. And it worked. I made it to work and back through I-405 and actually on the fastest lane.

Arnab is out of town attending a conference now. So I am practically the only human in the house. When thoughts of ghosts popped up, I did the same. Just diverted my mind with nice thoughts like our next upcoming vacation or things at work. I also told myself that if a ghost comes, that is, if I really see a ghost, then I will come up with an action plan. Until then, I don't need to worry about them. That has worked too and I have dropped off to a very comfortable sleep. Having a heavily purring cat curled up next to me also helps.

When the heart strings are tugged

A couple of weeks back a flyover (overpass) collapsed in Calcutta and scores of people died. It was very shocking to see that news on the first page of The Wall Street journal while standing at Starbucks here in Bellevue. It wasn't nice either when non-Indian coworkers asked me the details about it and enquired if my family is safe. I understand their intent was good, but to explain to them why the flyover collapsed and show them the pictures were very difficult for me. I have lived in Calcutta all my life until I moved here, so to me that is home. That city knows me like no other. All my life stages are entwined with it, along with tons of pleasant memories. So when bad things happen to that place, I feel bad.

There is a thing I have heard often, especially from people over Facebook. If I argue with them about something in India, well may not always be things in India, can be anything, and if they don't like my logic, then they say - "but you don't even live here. Why don't you come over and try to do something for the country?" I have no idea why in today's world we have to be physically present in the country to do something. Maybe they don't have any idea of globalization? Anyway, whoever is reading this post, if you have the same mentality then please stop here. If you believe that just like staying away from your family doesn't mean that you don't have any say there, staying away from your country doesn't take your right away to speak up for it, nor to point out the bad part, then proceed.

The flyover crash is a physical thing that bothered me, but it is the tip of the iceberg. It can be seen. There are many other things happening in the city that bothers me a lot as well. The cultural capital of India, Calcutta has been famous for numerous literary giants, musicians, singers, film makers, artists and even actors (both stage and film). Bengalis have been known to be believers of plain living and high thinking. I wouldn't say that we had Spartan lifestyles, but "middle class" Bengalis never saw any reason for spending beyond means. The most important thing they did for their kids was to push them for better education. "Education, education, education" has been the mantra of Bengali parents throughout the ages. A kid was considered "good" or "bad" depending on his performance in academics. Along with that went extra curricular activities that included one or all of singing, dancing and painting for girls and painting or singing for young boys along with sports. Swimming was also encouraged, playing outdoors was a little difficult in the main city, but in the outskirts it was extremely common. Television viewing was restricted and highly discouraged because it was believed to be distracting for studies. "You will forget all that you learned" was a common phrase we all heard if we watched Bollywood songs. Bollywood movies were referred as Hindi cinema and movie songs as Hindi songs in a very derogatory way by our elders.

In our late teenage and early college days, going to movies with friends was a big deal. Shopping malls were coming up but those weren't places to visit. Parks, museums and just normal walks along the crowded streets were common dating places. Dates were confined to eating street side food with the bare minimum allowance we had. Some college students earned meagre incomes by giving tuitions. Our elders disciplined us. That included teachers, relatives and even neighbors. We were spanked by our parents as kids and they saw nothing wrong with it. Actually, it was a big part of parenting. Parents never praised us in public. Actually I have never heard any of my cousins or friends or for that matter any young person being praised by their parents. We were compared to others, our exam scores were compared to our friends, older cousins, parents' friends' kids, kids in the neighborhood. Everyone knew our exam scores and ranks in competitive exams. Parenting experts of the West will be shocked at how our parents still managed to raise sane kids. All my friends from school and college are well settled in their lives and none of them show any traits of not loving their parents and families.

Things have changed now. The people of the city are more concerned over awarding actors from soap operas than they care for any academician. Strikes are common in colleges resulting in brawls. The 1970s also saw strikes in colleges, but those left liberal students were idealists. They were not the political hooligans we see now. Students of nationally famous universities, where it is difficult to get admitted are getting beaten up by political parties. Classes are cancelled, exams postponed. In a situation like this, where is the atmosphere to talk about innovation, research or of the future? Little kids are being encouraged by their parents to take part in "talent search" competitions where they sing and dance to obscenity. In our childhood, talent search competitions were math tests where the top performers got scholarships. Shopping malls are the new places for family time. I have been hearing about DJs coming to Bengali weddings as well! I think I am lucky to not get any invitation for those. Even the clothes seem to have lost the Bengali simplicity. Flashy sequined blouses and weird colored synthetic sarees are not things I can relate with Bengali girls. Nor can I imagine our earlier generation spending their evenings at pubs drinking beer. The book crazy society is dying, so are the cricket lovers at Eden Gardens and the boisterous crowd who took Mohunbagan vs East Bengal matches more seriously than world wars. The crisp cotton saree wearing women, the Rabindrasangeet singers, the old family homes are all getting lost... a culture is slowly crumbling under the pressure of ill bred and uneducated people flocking to Calcutta who, at heart can never be the true residents of the Second City of the British Empire.

We shall overcome

I have a soft corner for tomboys and I have a genuine warm place in my heart for women cricketers. I inherited the love of cricket from my family but as academics were the supreme goal of our lives neither me, nor my parents thought that I might also cherish playing cricket at least at the club level. I would never really know if I'd be good at that! That is the reason I like the girls who are good at it. Especially those who are from South Asia.

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In countries where cricket is like a religion and the male cricketers are revered as gods, it is very ironic that women cricketers don't get the same treatment. I remember in 1997 (the last time I watched a women's cricket match) we got free tickets to watch it at the stadium from our school. On the day of the final, only women were allowed at the stadium. It was a strange decision, but the good part was that many women got a chance to come to our beloved Eden Gardens who during regular men's matches would always have to give up the tickets for the male members of the family. Anyway, talking about the free tickets, I remember there was some commotion in our class about one ticket and one boy actually tore up that ticket up and threw it away. Would he do the same if it was a men's match? He wouldn't. That, probably was my first experience of men not taking women seriously. From my early teenage, cricket has shown me where men still do not lean in. We could not form a girls' team in either school or college. The games teacher was also not much interested in girls playing cricket (or basketball). We grew up together with boys in the co-educational school, we were equal (and better than many boys) in academics, most of us had parents who never differentiated between their sons and daughters, but there was still a little difference between a girl and a tomboy. Being on the receiving end of that makes you feel like swimming against the current. I know how it feels. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I am just saying it helped me grow a resistance and made me believe that maybe cricket was not a practical option, but there shouldn't be anything I can't do "because I am a girl". It pays off in the future.

That confidence is helping me now.

Recently, there were talks about attending Grace Hopper Conference for Women in Computing. It is a conference for women, but I know of many women who are not interested in attending. The most sad thing is when women look down at other women. How would these people ever become good leaders? Sheryl Sandberg is trying to inspire our generation in vain. There are women (and men) who think that this technical conference is like a ladies party. I wonder if they would try to submit papers and posters and see if theirs get accepted in the ladies party? If they feel that it is still not technical enough like IEEE or ACM, then doesn't that point to the fact that we are lacking women in tech? That should be the reason to try harder, attend and inspire.

Belittling women isn't anything new. I read today that the Pakistan men's squad captain Shahid Afridi has commented about their own women's team as - they have a great taste in their hands, implying the right place for them is in the kitchen. I fail to understand, as a cricketer how can he comment about another cricketer in this way, especially when they are representing the same country and have the exact same goal in life! Remember the scientist who said women are distracting in labs? And the CEO who said women should not ask for raises? All coming from the same bucket. When Netaji formed his all women's Rani Jhansi regiment way back in 1943, people assumed they were a showpiece too. Never did anyone realize that the girls would take part in real combat. They failed, true, but they were path breakers. (Ref: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rani_of_Jhansi_Regiment).

I can relate to these brave soldiers, the Pakistani women's team, engineers in male dominated fields and to all those who wish to follow their ambitions and are constantly swimming against the current of "you are a girl".

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