Revelations of a student's life

I was an above average student for most of my life, but I have been notorious about my hatred towards studying for exams. Growing up in a culture where academic abilities were considered to be even more important than other normal social qualities, I had the habit of studying only as much as I needed to get a decent enough grade (and sometimes even poorer grades made me feel ok enough). I saw no reason why teenagers need to waste two thirds of their days just to score high marks and I still see no value in that. What I am trying to get to is that I didn't like formal education.

To say that I didn't like to go to school or college would be totally wrong though. As someone who gains energy from being with people, I definitely enjoyed school and college both, but being a day scholar, I had no idea what an ideal "campus life" should be. I was introduced to it though the bright and shiny colorful magazines at USEFI where I went for my GRE preparation. When I saw those pictures of college students sitting on grassy fields studying together or walking, working at labs, I unknowingly started to dream of a future like that. In the last semester of my undergrad, I had the opportunity to represent our college at a tech fest of the prestigious IIT. Don't ask me about the projects or how we did there, but I can confidently say that my gain from that short trip was huge! Other than the fact that I was introduced to many other young students from the rest of the country and had the luck to attend a speech by Capt. Rakesh Sharma, I also found out what that campus life is all about. One evening after dinner, as we were walking to the load runner robot trials I felt a deep sense of independence and I was really looking forward to the University days that were soon to come.

Many people have dreams about University, what I mostly wanted to do was ride a bicycle in the campus wearing shorts. I am glad to report that it came true in the summer of 2008!

I actually started studying on my own and out of my own interest during my masters and I could finally feel that life was what you want it to be. Things were tough, like I had very little money, programming was hard (given my shaky foundations of the subject) and cooking a decent meal was an ordeal, but life was good in general.

Last weekend, I had these feelings come in a wave as I visited the world famous Stanford University. Like a hallowed place, I felt that the campus is thriving with new ideas, hard work, immense intellectual power and all the good things that go with it. Just like people believe that religious places have a good spirit hanging around, I believe that universities and laboratories have that too (maybe much more than places of religion). Simple thing is that both Arnab and me, coming from humble academic backgrounds felt like attending classes once more, work in the labs and learn new things. The power of learning conquered all the bad experiences of memorizing long notes without understanding, reading photocopies, having disgusting teachers and the whole concept of scoring marks for a better future. Walking through the peaceful campus where teachers were meeting under the shade of a tree and students taking naps on benches in between classes, I should admit I felt jealous, especially at the sight of students riding their bikes to class. I remembered my own college days where I had to carry books from the library along with my T and roll pack, managing my clothes while sitting precariously on a three wheeled public transport wondering if the guy next to me is getting unnecessarily close on purpose. These universities do not lack funds, students don't have to choose a particular course because the other choices are unavailable due to lack of a teacher, student politics are unheard of, cafeterias don't overflow with students smoking cigarettes. The ambience is of learning, peace and quiet. Yes, it is true that stray incidents do happen here too, like the recent criminal case at Stanford, but those incidents can't tarnish the quality of these places.


I asked my parents why they didn't choose to migrate here, because then I would have got better career choices and at least wouldn't have to struggle for maintaining my work visa or wait for years to get a permanent residency. But then I also realized that while it is true that nobody would prefer to struggle over getting a plush life, these experiences have made me what I am today. The fact that I know both sides of the equation would at least make me grateful for the the life that I have today.

A small step for mankind, but a giant leap for me

What is the connection between - ghosts, swimming and driving a car? You can get really creative and draw convoluted connections between the three, but in general, there is none. Actually there is. I got over my fear of all three of them in the last four days and utilizing the same concept.

Thirty two is double the age of new drivers. Here kids actually get a drivers license at sixteen (two years before what the legal age is in India), so I am more than enough old to drive. It is not that I can't drive, but the problem was that I lacked the confidence to drive on the freeway. Changing lanes while you (and the car next to you) are going at sixty five mph is not really that easy. Then there are the crazy people who change lanes all of a sudden without any indicator, those ones who text, those who yell at people on the phone, and even apply eye makeup! So the net outcome was I was scared, so I didn't drive on the freeway, as a result I never gained that confidence.

I did attempt to swim back in India in a pool with probably seventy other girls. All I learned was the kicking. The pool obviously was overcrowded, there was no concept of a swim lane and it went from three feet to six feet depth within a very short distance. The bottom of the pool was slippery tiled so I was always terrified of slipping and drowning at the six feet end. I guess another big problem was that without glasses I couldn't see what was going around so I never felt comfortable enough to swim. Closing your eyes while swimming doesn't give a good sense of balance. I attempted swimming here again and I learned the techniques for freestyle. Holding on to the kick-board, I would be fine, but the moment I had to let go of the kick-board I would start panicking. Same outcome - scared, didn't attempt to swim, never gained confidence to plunge in water.

Ghosts are a little too tricky. I have hardly ever watched any ghost movie, but I have read a lot of ghost stories and I was terribly scared of ghosts. The worst part is that, when I am alone and trying to sleep, at that precise moment all random ghost stories would pop up in my brain. Then I would be terrified for a long time at night and get startled at any creaking sound in the house.

The solution for all these came through my swim teacher. She is one of the most direct and no-nonsense people I have ever met. I appreciate the fact that she doesn't sugarcoat her thoughts towards me. When I showed her all that I know, she asked me to just swim. Then I said, I am scared that I won't be able to breathe properly and she replied, "that is not fear, that is laziness. Get over it!" She explained that I, or rather my body knows exactly what to do in water, it is just the brain that is doubting it. "Give your brain something else to think about," she said, "remind yourself to just keep on kicking and that will keep you afloat." I followed that advice. When I was turning my head to breathe, I didn't think of the breath, I just kept my focus on the kicks and consciously kept my head in water. It is very counterintuitive but the more you lower your head, the better your body will float. I talked to many people here who have forgotten when they learned how to swim, maybe they were just splashing around in the family pool and just got to swim. Initially, I would have felt bad that we never really got this chance and now I am so old. But then I found out that most of these people can't swim well, they don't know the techniques of breathing or the right body positions. I have learned late, but I have learned the right thing.

Once, I could swim, I thought what was the trick. Then I figured out that the main thing is giving my brain something else to think. I applied the same logic for driving on the freeway. Just like the swim movements, I know the basics of driving. I know how to go forward, reverse, change lanes, etc. Then it is just the brain that is over thinking. So I concentrated more on the muscle memory and the reflex part but I played some songs to divert the overthinking brain. And it worked. I made it to work and back through I-405 and actually on the fastest lane.

Arnab is out of town attending a conference now. So I am practically the only human in the house. When thoughts of ghosts popped up, I did the same. Just diverted my mind with nice thoughts like our next upcoming vacation or things at work. I also told myself that if a ghost comes, that is, if I really see a ghost, then I will come up with an action plan. Until then, I don't need to worry about them. That has worked too and I have dropped off to a very comfortable sleep. Having a heavily purring cat curled up next to me also helps.

When the heart strings are tugged

A couple of weeks back a flyover (overpass) collapsed in Calcutta and scores of people died. It was very shocking to see that news on the first page of The Wall Street journal while standing at Starbucks here in Bellevue. It wasn't nice either when non-Indian coworkers asked me the details about it and enquired if my family is safe. I understand their intent was good, but to explain to them why the flyover collapsed and show them the pictures were very difficult for me. I have lived in Calcutta all my life until I moved here, so to me that is home. That city knows me like no other. All my life stages are entwined with it, along with tons of pleasant memories. So when bad things happen to that place, I feel bad.

There is a thing I have heard often, especially from people over Facebook. If I argue with them about something in India, well may not always be things in India, can be anything, and if they don't like my logic, then they say - "but you don't even live here. Why don't you come over and try to do something for the country?" I have no idea why in today's world we have to be physically present in the country to do something. Maybe they don't have any idea of globalization? Anyway, whoever is reading this post, if you have the same mentality then please stop here. If you believe that just like staying away from your family doesn't mean that you don't have any say there, staying away from your country doesn't take your right away to speak up for it, nor to point out the bad part, then proceed.

The flyover crash is a physical thing that bothered me, but it is the tip of the iceberg. It can be seen. There are many other things happening in the city that bothers me a lot as well. The cultural capital of India, Calcutta has been famous for numerous literary giants, musicians, singers, film makers, artists and even actors (both stage and film). Bengalis have been known to be believers of plain living and high thinking. I wouldn't say that we had Spartan lifestyles, but "middle class" Bengalis never saw any reason for spending beyond means. The most important thing they did for their kids was to push them for better education. "Education, education, education" has been the mantra of Bengali parents throughout the ages. A kid was considered "good" or "bad" depending on his performance in academics. Along with that went extra curricular activities that included one or all of singing, dancing and painting for girls and painting or singing for young boys along with sports. Swimming was also encouraged, playing outdoors was a little difficult in the main city, but in the outskirts it was extremely common. Television viewing was restricted and highly discouraged because it was believed to be distracting for studies. "You will forget all that you learned" was a common phrase we all heard if we watched Bollywood songs. Bollywood movies were referred as Hindi cinema and movie songs as Hindi songs in a very derogatory way by our elders.

In our late teenage and early college days, going to movies with friends was a big deal. Shopping malls were coming up but those weren't places to visit. Parks, museums and just normal walks along the crowded streets were common dating places. Dates were confined to eating street side food with the bare minimum allowance we had. Some college students earned meagre incomes by giving tuitions. Our elders disciplined us. That included teachers, relatives and even neighbors. We were spanked by our parents as kids and they saw nothing wrong with it. Actually, it was a big part of parenting. Parents never praised us in public. Actually I have never heard any of my cousins or friends or for that matter any young person being praised by their parents. We were compared to others, our exam scores were compared to our friends, older cousins, parents' friends' kids, kids in the neighborhood. Everyone knew our exam scores and ranks in competitive exams. Parenting experts of the West will be shocked at how our parents still managed to raise sane kids. All my friends from school and college are well settled in their lives and none of them show any traits of not loving their parents and families.

Things have changed now. The people of the city are more concerned over awarding actors from soap operas than they care for any academician. Strikes are common in colleges resulting in brawls. The 1970s also saw strikes in colleges, but those left liberal students were idealists. They were not the political hooligans we see now. Students of nationally famous universities, where it is difficult to get admitted are getting beaten up by political parties. Classes are cancelled, exams postponed. In a situation like this, where is the atmosphere to talk about innovation, research or of the future? Little kids are being encouraged by their parents to take part in "talent search" competitions where they sing and dance to obscenity. In our childhood, talent search competitions were math tests where the top performers got scholarships. Shopping malls are the new places for family time. I have been hearing about DJs coming to Bengali weddings as well! I think I am lucky to not get any invitation for those. Even the clothes seem to have lost the Bengali simplicity. Flashy sequined blouses and weird colored synthetic sarees are not things I can relate with Bengali girls. Nor can I imagine our earlier generation spending their evenings at pubs drinking beer. The book crazy society is dying, so are the cricket lovers at Eden Gardens and the boisterous crowd who took Mohunbagan vs East Bengal matches more seriously than world wars. The crisp cotton saree wearing women, the Rabindrasangeet singers, the old family homes are all getting lost... a culture is slowly crumbling under the pressure of ill bred and uneducated people flocking to Calcutta who, at heart can never be the true residents of the Second City of the British Empire.

We shall overcome

I have a soft corner for tomboys and I have a genuine warm place in my heart for women cricketers. I inherited the love of cricket from my family but as academics were the supreme goal of our lives neither me, nor my parents thought that I might also cherish playing cricket at least at the club level. I would never really know if I'd be good at that! That is the reason I like the girls who are good at it. Especially those who are from South Asia.

Source

In countries where cricket is like a religion and the male cricketers are revered as gods, it is very ironic that women cricketers don't get the same treatment. I remember in 1997 (the last time I watched a women's cricket match) we got free tickets to watch it at the stadium from our school. On the day of the final, only women were allowed at the stadium. It was a strange decision, but the good part was that many women got a chance to come to our beloved Eden Gardens who during regular men's matches would always have to give up the tickets for the male members of the family. Anyway, talking about the free tickets, I remember there was some commotion in our class about one ticket and one boy actually tore up that ticket up and threw it away. Would he do the same if it was a men's match? He wouldn't. That, probably was my first experience of men not taking women seriously. From my early teenage, cricket has shown me where men still do not lean in. We could not form a girls' team in either school or college. The games teacher was also not much interested in girls playing cricket (or basketball). We grew up together with boys in the co-educational school, we were equal (and better than many boys) in academics, most of us had parents who never differentiated between their sons and daughters, but there was still a little difference between a girl and a tomboy. Being on the receiving end of that makes you feel like swimming against the current. I know how it feels. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I am just saying it helped me grow a resistance and made me believe that maybe cricket was not a practical option, but there shouldn't be anything I can't do "because I am a girl". It pays off in the future.

That confidence is helping me now.

Recently, there were talks about attending Grace Hopper Conference for Women in Computing. It is a conference for women, but I know of many women who are not interested in attending. The most sad thing is when women look down at other women. How would these people ever become good leaders? Sheryl Sandberg is trying to inspire our generation in vain. There are women (and men) who think that this technical conference is like a ladies party. I wonder if they would try to submit papers and posters and see if theirs get accepted in the ladies party? If they feel that it is still not technical enough like IEEE or ACM, then doesn't that point to the fact that we are lacking women in tech? That should be the reason to try harder, attend and inspire.

Belittling women isn't anything new. I read today that the Pakistan men's squad captain Shahid Afridi has commented about their own women's team as - they have a great taste in their hands, implying the right place for them is in the kitchen. I fail to understand, as a cricketer how can he comment about another cricketer in this way, especially when they are representing the same country and have the exact same goal in life! Remember the scientist who said women are distracting in labs? And the CEO who said women should not ask for raises? All coming from the same bucket. When Netaji formed his all women's Rani Jhansi regiment way back in 1943, people assumed they were a showpiece too. Never did anyone realize that the girls would take part in real combat. They failed, true, but they were path breakers. (Ref: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rani_of_Jhansi_Regiment).

I can relate to these brave soldiers, the Pakistani women's team, engineers in male dominated fields and to all those who wish to follow their ambitions and are constantly swimming against the current of "you are a girl".

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On shedding the uterus lining

This morning, I saw a Facebook post from a person whom I respect a lot. He said that he is taking a vow to not go to any religious place which does not allow women to enter, under any circumstances. The background story for this is there are Hindu temples in India which do not let menstruating women in the religious place as they are considered "impure" and "unclean". Growing up in India, I am not new to these ideas. My aunt told me to hurry up in taking my sanitary napkin out of my bag otherwise my (boy) cousin would come in and see it. There was a girl who asked me if it is ok to do the religious offering of Goddess Saraswati while menstruating. I told her that as Saraswati is a woman, she should understand what girls have to go through. When in school a girl would not feel fine during her periods, she would often lie and say she is having a headache or has an upset stomach instead of saying the truth. Personally, I consider an upset stomach to me much worse and a lot more gross than bleeding a little. Very recently, one of my coworkers wanted a sanitary napkin from me and when I handed it over to her, she shrieked and said I shouldn't have given it to her like that. It would be modest to hand it to her on the sly.

That is what I don't understand. What is the reason to be ashamed of a healthy, fully functioning female body? The fact that you are menstruating proves that you are capable of bringing another life to this world and that is very empowering.

Looking here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_taboo, I found that most religions consider women "unclean" when she is doing the healthy thing of shedding her uterus lining. I understand that most of these religious mandates were written long back when people didn't have a lot of idea about biology. But after thousands of years we still hold on to those with our blind faith and discriminate against women.

Coming back to the point of this guy on Facebook. His post was attacked by innumerable Indian men claiming that there are "scientific reasons" why women are not allowed inside temples. Some claimed that you should not make a religious place impure by your menstruation blood, some others defended the fact that everything Hinduism says (though Hinduism hardly ever documented any sayings, because it is a philosophy and not a religion) is based on science and to contradict that you must be disrespectful to your roots. I was shocked to see even women defending these. They are so much brainwashed that they would rather discriminate against themselves than use their minds. I wonder how men like these ill treat the women in their lives. When I commented and told these men to use logic, the defended themselves by calling me a "slave of the West" and wondering why my parents did not counsel me before I became so much Westernized. They equate talking about science as westernization. They said that one particular temple is of Shani Devata (deified idol of Saturn) and that god is not good for women. Some said that the god prefers acts of celibacy, so women should not enter. Some sane person asked how they know of the particular likes and dislikes of this god and if Shani Devata had ever descended on Earth to speak to these people. Some others asked if the god is not so sure that he would be able to maintain his celibate life after women enter the premises. These misogynists would not stop though. They confuse tradition with blind faith. Science has never said that women need to take a back seat, especially a healthy person. Also, if your faith stops you from questioning, then that itself would be a big red flag for me. There is no wonder why women are still being treated as second class citizens. Especially in a country like India, on one hand we deify women as goddesses and then at home abuse the wives and abort the female fetus. Centuries back people from the Bengal Renaissance tried to empower women through education and changes in society, but there are still so much to work on. Who would take that Herculean task up?

Working with the best team, ever!

I had this realization almost ten years back on a bus in Calcutta. I was going to college when a blind man got on the bus to ask for alms. It was bright early autumn day, the skies blue with cauliflower topped white clouds. That is the time I figured out that this man can't see how beautiful the sky is. A very cliched thought in my early twenties, but it made me grateful for my eyes. I agree my vision is not my strongest point but even my high myopic glasses would have been a boon to him who can't see.

The main thing in life that we take for granted is our own body. We know that it is the most important and priceless thing that could possibly be, yet we don't really care much about it. One reason being, we don't really know how things work there. And we never bother to figure out. I understand there is a reason for it to be abstracted in such a clever way, but it wouldn't do any harm to know our machinery better.

The human body is the greatest example of team work as well. It is overwhelming to think of how all the organs work together and if one is a little out of sync, how it affects the other ones. A self managing, self fixing team that needs barely any help from the outside. I realized about the importance of all the team members working together when my little finger on the right hand got severely cut after getting trapped in a part of our cooktop. I put a band aid around it and thought how much would a little finger bother me? But then I realized while trying to type the next day. It is difficult to eat with your fingers if one has a bandaid around it, it is difficult to get a proper grip on things. There is no reason to underestimate the little finger.

After my miscarriage, I was astonished to find that how little time it took the body to heal. It is like a very good self managing scrum team in software development picking up their team together after a failed release. Yes, it acknowledged that things didn't go right, but it wasted no time in cleaning that up and fixing it. Within a fortnight, the uterus again started its normal tasks.

When my retina detached and my right eye was patched up, I figured out that the left eye is doing more than its share and the right eye was feeling miserable. Mentally, I had a pep talk with my body. I told my right eye that it is ok to fail at times. I gave her some time to collect herself and rest and relax. On the other hand, I told my left eye that I understand and very much appreciate the extra work she is doing and I will take good care of both of them so that they can do their 50% share of work.

Long back when I was small and prone to scraping my knee, my mom used to tell me how under the crusty reddish brown skin, little tiny cells are busy patching up the scrape and within a few days new pink shiny skin will be ready under the crusty old skin.

Another part of our general health is our mind. We need to make sure that the mind stays healthy as well. There is a reason why we are supposed to pray for "mens sana in corpore sano". If you are unhappy, or cranky or irritated, even with the best of healths, you will not be able to attain much. There is no reason to be hard on yourself if you feel low. It is normal and it is ok. Nobody expects you to be happy all the time. It is difficult when for some people that indeed becomes the norm and if they are sad for some reason, everyone comes and asks them what the matter is. But even in that case, you can always respond with "I'm not really having the best day today." Most people will just say sorry and leave you be. Your close friends will be there for you if you want to talk. It works. And being honest works much better than putting up a fake happy face. 

These are all learned from my personal experiences. After a major life changing event, it is natural to feel sad just like after a major surgery no one expects you to be able to run a marathon. Body and mind both need rest and a positive environment to thrive in. The best thing to do would be to provide that and never, never take a healthy human body (and mind) for granted.

Mountaineers and the Spirit of the Himalayas

I am one of those blessed people who are easily inspired by Nature. I would consider this to be a very important thing because even though I am an extrovert, I feel completely at ease with myself among Nature. Sometimes I actually prefer solitude. That can be swinging on my hammock and lazily watching the bees or taking a few minutes to pause my life and look at the snowy peaks of the Himalayas.

I have always been in love with Himalayas. It was in 1994 that I first saw snow covered peaks on the way from Shimla to Manali. I still remember people on the bus standing up to see the tiny white ranges appeared in the distance. Now I see snow covered ranges everyday. The ranges towards North Bend are clearly visible from my office in Bellevue, but the have never lost their charm. As much as I love Mt. Rainier, the connection with Himalayas is something very different. You need to see Kangchenjungha in the rising sun to feel that. When the snows turn from pink to gold and then to sparkling white, you feel why it is a divine place.

I was reading Jamling Norgay's book "Touching my Father's Soul" and found that mountaineers climbing the Himalayas have always felt that something is way different than when climbing other peaks. Maybe because of the possible divinity? It is an insult to name the mountain Chomolungma after a mere mortal, Everest. You have to be humble while climbing the mountains, you can't claim it like a trophy, Jamling has mentioned and I completely agree with him. Like among the Native Americans there is the culture of thinking everything, from a tree or a stone has life, in the Himalayas too, you need to imagine that the mountains and rivers have divinity. The source of innumerable life giving rivers that sustain life in five countries definitely need to be respected.

Mountaineering needs all the skills necessary to make a good human being out of you. Immense physical strength coupled with discipline, tenacity, teamwork, risk management, quick thinking and utmost bravery. You also need to be humble. Those huge peaks have always made me feel super tiny, and once you realize the power that can nullify you in a matter of seconds, you would not want to feel the wrath of the mountains.

I am so glad that I love Himalayas. On my trip to the border of Tibet 1998, I spent a fortnight in the high mountains at more than 11, 000 feet. That is when I came to love the mountains dearly. They have the power to transform you and bring out certain thoughts that people don't generally come across on the level plains. Maybe, one day I will be able to hike up to the Base Camp of Chomolungma. I know that all my beloved mountaineers - from George Mallory to the ones of the present day would be there in spirit.