Holding women back

Have you heard of the term "likeability factor"? When a woman is assertive and imposes her ideas with power, then she is considered bossy and disliked by her peers or managers. However, if she focuses on "being nice" then she gets bulldozed and pushed off to the side. A classic example of damned if you do, damned if you don't. Isn't it?

In the wake of India finally winning two medals this Olympic, and both of them won by female athletes, I was wondering about the situation these girls had to endure. There are certain sports which may be fine for a girl in India, like badminton or tennis, or even golf. For gymnastics, I can see people saying, "what will you do by becoming a gymnast?" but maybe not in such a bad way. But for a wrestler, I simply can't fathom what she had to go through, especially as she was trained at a place which only allowed boys. The state this wrestler is from, is notorious for female feticide and infanticide. So much so that the male to female ratio got very much skewed in the recent past. In an Indian household, the "likeability factor" becomes whether you can be a traditional daughter-in-law or not. In the name of upholding your family honor, basically girls are tied down and their wings clipped.

That is one common thing across all countries, cultures, religions throughout the ages. I am reading a book called "Daughters of the Samurai" and I realized this once again. When the three young Japanese girls came to the US and got rid of their kimonos, the first thing they realized was that they could leap over garden paths, catch falling flower petals on their laps and didn't have to walk by shuffling their feet in between the kimono wraps. A small bit of independence, right?

Let's start from the most serious ones. Women who talk less are liked more. I know this very well because I am a famous chatterbox. A person who is introvert, shy, doesn't speak much means what? That she doesn't let her opinions come forward. She would keep quiet when her parents arrange for a match. In the east, a "good girl" should not choose her own husband. It is shameful. Parents and elders would decide what she would do with her life and she should just follow that.

After getting married, she agains drowns her own likes and dislikes and maintains her "likeability" by serving her in-laws without making a fuss. If she chooses to keep her maiden name then she is not really showing her love for her husband. If she wants to keep her job and be independent, then also she is not fulfilling the role of a true daughter in law.

Then comes the question of babies. If a woman decides not to have babies then the whole world will remind her how horrific and selfish her decision is. In this regard the West is no better than the East. In over populated countries at least abortion is a legal and religion is not brought into it in every step. A mother choosing abortion would be demonized in no time.

Women have been drawn back in the name of family, babies, by drilling into their heads that their dreams don't matter, it is the husband and the kids who need to be made happy. They are also drawn back in the name of culture (whatever that means) and are constantly reminded of the fact that women are less capable than men. Recently, the funny (yet strong) Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui publicly told reporters that her periods made it difficult for her to swim. China almost fell apart at that comment. Women didn't understand how she swam while on periods because they back there don't use tampons. I understood that very well because growing up I never used tampons either, and I knew that you just don't swim or do any difficult physical activity while on periods.

It is just so wrong. You can do everything while on periods. The more active you are, the less cramps you get.

On Friday, I was in a similar situation as Fu Yuanhui and though decades and centuries of foremothers were telling me that I should rest after coming back from work, I disregarded those thoughts, put on my training clothes and went to the gym. After my regular training, I also swam for half an hour. The water and the stretching helped my muscles relax. It was a small step in my life, nothing major in the context of troubles women are facing all over the world. But for me, I know that I am not letting myself be held back physically just because I was born with X chromosome instead of Y.

India and Olympics - is it mutually exclusive?

"Mens sana in corpore sano" - a healthy mind in a healthy body. We all know what it means, that is we know theoretically what it mean, but our generation of Indians (or rather, the entire sub continent) has failed to understand that a healthy body is a rich possession. Probably the most important possession we have been endowed with by Nature or God whatever your choice of belief is.

On this Independence Day, I am writing this article with quite a lot of disappointment. Over the last few days as I saw Michael Phelps, Katie Ledecky, Maya Dirado, Nathan Adrian, Simon Biles and their teams going up to the podium again and again, their faces radiant at the sound of "The Star Spangled Banner", inside I was longing for that day when I would see our tricolor rising and hear the familiar tune of my most favorite song in the world. However, to this day, even after refreshing the webpage over and over again, the medal count of India still remains zero.

I have seen the comments praising our athletes, encouraging Dipa Karmakar for her "vault of death" and consoling ourselves that our athletes have won hearts if not medals. But even before you start the competition, when a country of 1.2 billion citizens only have 120 participants, we have started to lose. When a billion people pin their hopes on one 22 year old girl, that is when we have lost.

Why is it so?

Every time I raised this question I was flooded by replies of - poverty and corruption. Yes, it is true. When an athlete can't afford one square meal how can you expect them to compete with those who have the best training and nutrition? I agree, it is sad. Perhaps, worse is the corruption which is all pervading in our government. Government officials traveled business class to Rio and the athletes came all the way cramped like sardines in a can. But that isn't the only problem. The problem starts from the society.

"Which family would want a daughter in law who can run round kicking football all day, but can't make round chapattis?" 

Remember this? This is where our losses start from. A society where teenagers are encouraged to study for 12 or 14 hours before exams, where engineering entrance exam is considered more important than a kid's life, where schools don't have playgrounds and parents firmly tell boys to forget about cricket and football once they have reached 9th grade can't really set the scene for athletes to grow. And if you are a girl, then you have to jump through hoops of fire.

We are setting up generations of people who have no connection with physical activities. I am one of them as well. It took me 25 years to start hiking actively and 7 more years to learn to swim. Why? Because all the activities I wanted to do, my parents told me that as I wear glasses, I should not do it, for the fear of breaking my glasses. I wonder if the glasses were more important than a life skill or learning a new sport.

Here in the West, I am reminded of our lack of physical ability quite frequently. When we went hiking yesterday, Arnab and I were the ones who had to turn around at 7500 ft because we were going much slower than the rest of the team. The others made it to base camp at 10,000 ft, we couldn't. The hobbies we talked about while young were mainly reading, listening to music, painting or singing, at most dancing. There are many people from the cities who can't even ride a bike properly (me included). Here most kids start camping and hiking from a really early age, followed by swimming, gymnastics, skiing, snowboarding and what not. Most normal people go to the gym regularly. Women can do push-ups, they train with weights, build muscles. Things that in India are still unheard of. Yes, it is true that there are millions of unhealthy people here and obesity is almost an epidemic now, but my point is that the society encourages physical activities of every kind. When we travel, finding a hotel with a good view of the mountain range is enough for most people. To trek in the Himalayas, for which Americans and Europeans travel half the world over, is an activity hardly a handful of Indians are interested in. Olympians don't grow overnight. Like it takes the athletes years and years of discipline and practice, it also takes the society years and years of patience and right decisions.

We used to write essays on the benefits of sports. Our teachers and parents probably would have done better for us if they understood those benefits themselves.

So the next time you share that picture of Dipa Karmakar glorifying that you watched gymnastics for the first time in your life because of her, remember that you are part of the reason she couldn't bring a medal back. If you watched gymnastics for the first time in 2016 only because she could make it all the way there, there is no wonder that your generation failed to produce any gymnasts. Dipa Karmakar apologized to the Nation for disappointing us, I think we are the ones who should apologize to the athletes for failing to provide a proper platform for them.