It has been 4 years since I moved to US as a Fresh Off Board grad student and by now I am kind-of settled in my adoptive country. In these 4 years I have come across many Indians (students like me, second generation kids, people coming to work here, etc) and I have seen some patterns in their behaviors. There are many Indians who are my friends and whom I really like but I have been recently quite upset about some comments from my fellow countrymen (and women) so I thought of writing this. Here are the behavior patterns:
1. The "haters": Yes, they hate. They hate Americans, Chinese (Asians), Afro-Americans and basically anyone who is "foreign" to them. They hate non-Indian foods, non-Indian cultures and are very articulate about their hatred. They think every other person is dumb, have loose morals and maybe they are doing a favor by coming to this country. They are proud of the fact that they don't have any non-Indian friends and give a weird look to those who do have. When I opted to live at our University dorm with a Philippina girl, I was asked why I was not staying with 4 other Indian girls. To me, broadening my horizon and making friends from outside my known world was more important than having Indian food for every meal and go ga ga over the same Bollywood movies. These "haters" think you need to cling on to your culture lest you forget that. And in order to make sure your own culture is great, you'll have to belittle others.
2. The "recliners" : They are clanish too, but they don't hate or complain. They have small groups of friends and wouldn't mix with new people, nor would they let others into their "group". They're sort of laid back. Would prefer to play indoor games and drink for the whole long weekend instead of camping/hiking or any other kind of activity. They'd want to do a lot of things but would end up lazying for the whole day.
3. The "ultra-moderns": To them living in the US is a dream come true. They think of general American life as those shown in Hollywood movies. They misuse their freedom once they step off the flight. They think you have to drink (in large amounts) to be social and "living in" is the ultimate fashionable thing to do. I have heard of people proudly saying that they are going to some "erotic festivals". Ironically, a majority of them come from very conservative families. When their parents do find out how they are leading their lives, they are almost forced to arranged marriages. They marry nice, soft spoken girls from India who have no idea of their husband's past lives. Some do find out later and then a whole lot of troubles come up.
4. The "Down the memory lane": They are really nice people. I don't have anything against them. The only thing is they cling on to their memories. They are very homesick and every time you talk to them they'll bring up old memories in conversations. They do come from loving close knit families but are unable to form nice, strong friendships in this part of the world. So they are lonely. I feel sorry for them :-(
5. The "Learn nothing, forget nothing": They are mainly from the older generation who are totally confused. They try to hold on to the values they grew up with, and most of them were in there 40s at the time of the "internet revolution" and globalization. They'd not forget what they learnt back and are definitely not able to keep abreast with new things. They say "my daughter can't speak in Bengali" quite proudly but then get ad at the very same daughter for having a non-Indian boyfriend. Though, this is nothing to do with age as I've seen many people my age having the same mentality and I know many "old" people who are actually very modern (and happy).
To them all, here's my message. If you are really proud of your own culture/tradition, you don't have to be clanish to preserve it. You need to tell others about your culture and what's the best way to do that? Mixing with people. Once you start having friends from other cultures, you'll be sharing (and learning) new things. Back in my university days, on Diwali party all my non-Indian friends dressed up in Indian clothes - sarees, salwar suits, lehengas. Even the guys wore sherwanis! Just imagine how fun we girls had when we were all dressing up!!! We had "international potluck dinners" at our dorm (where we didn't invite guys cause they'd eat everything up). My aunt, who is a Kathak dancer and truly an artist has taught school kids here to dance to old Bengali songs. I was so amazed when I saw kids of all cultures dancing (and some even singing) to those songs that we all learnt while growing up. If you read the works of Rammohan, Rabindranath, Vivekanada, Vidyasagar or Netaji you'll see how much they appreciated foreigners. How much they mixed with them, found out the best from the other parts of the world. They were stalwarts of our culture, they were those very people who have created the "culture" we are all so proud of. Rabindranath had said "in the human world giving is sharing." You need to give in order to share. This is how you expand your horizon and include everyone in it. This is how you live in a global village.
4 comments:
While I do recognize some of the behavior patterns that you mention, I beg to differ with some of your viewpoints. Firstly, hiking and camping are not the only constructive ways to spend a weekend. Being at home does not necessarily mean drinking and being lazy. On many weekends, I like to spend time at home and pursue my hobbies like painting, cooking, gardening, photography and origami. I do not consider that being lazy. From your previous writings, I assume you also spend time knitting, cleaning and taking care of your pets. Do you feel you are being lazy?
Secondly, you seem to imply that only men are ever 'ultra-modern' and they are married off to nice, soft-spoken girls from India. I know several girls who would fit the category of 'ultra-modern' and I wonder what will happen to the nice, soft-spoken men who will be unfortunate enough to marry them!
Lastly, I do not agree to this "have to make a close American friend or I am xenophobic" outlook. I also lived with a Turkish roommate during my first semester here, but that was simply because that was my best available choice, not because I wanted to expand my horizons. As you may have realized by now, I fall partly in group 2 and partly in group 4 of your categorization, and I find it surprising that you would feel sorry for people who don't have close foreign friends. As if "making foreign friends" is like an item in a checklist that needs to be checked off for progressing in life.
I do not have anything against foreigners, of course. I do have quite a few foreign (American, Lebanese, Nigerian, Chinese, Italian, Irani, Turkish, Romanian) friends, but I made friends as I crossed paths with them. I believe friendship is always like that - you come across people whom you like and you strike a chord. Being conscious about the country of the friends that you make just to be labeled xenophilic will hardly help you make good friends.
Overall, a thought provoking post. Hope to see more such write-ups in the future. :-)
Well, there's a little history behind this post :-) I was quite upset with some people branding me as "americanized" because yesterday I wrote "Happy Indian Independence Day" on my Facebook wall. That extra Indian word tipped the scale it seems.
By no means is cooking, cleaning a way of lazying around. But yes I understand your point of view. For the second point too I know there are such "ultra modern" girls too and I know of one who behaves like a parasite to her husband :-)
You don't have to have a close non-Indian friend in order to not be xenophobic, nor can you maintain a checklist to make friends. That's absurd. What you need is an open mindset. That's all.
Yes I'll be writing more "thought provoking" stuff. I'll be glad to see your comments :-)
A big hmmmmmhhh... nice writeup.
1.firstly, u cud find such haters sitting in your hometown too[i mean they are everywhere].. its the general nature of homosapiens i think.. we as bengalis look down upon 'mero', 'lere', 'dokhno'... infact therez a tete-tete between proper calcuttan vs suburban, bangal vs ghoti, north calcuttan vs south calcuttan.. and the list continues... so, very well when these ppl move to some foreign country, they'll develop some NEW sets to look down upon... the root is somewhere else...
2.this is not justified to bracket all indoor game lovers lazy... 'Joy Forever'has already produced a good list, where u can stay home to pursue some other creative and mind freshening activities...
3.this comment shud hav been general... y this gender biasness? [amader JU jheelpare boshe ganja ki sudhu chhelera khay? u'll be stunned at the male-female ratio there, ek e byapar okhaneo hobe, no doubt]
5.i know a few of them too :)
lastly, if this is an exhaustive list, then u fall under which category? 4.?? ;)
Kuntala-di, the ones you mentioned "reverse haters", I have seen kind of those in the generation before us. I don't know why they speak to their kids in English (that is appaling english). yes, they don't understand how we can eat that much rice. they have intentionally forgotten their past. they would have fallen under #3 I guess.
Bhut, yes I told "Joy forever" that I missed the "ultra modern" girls. I definitely don't think doing some creative things like painting, origami, etc at home is lazying around, but if all your weekends round the year consist of drinking, smoking hookah/cigar and playing card games then you need to get more active. It's not just physical activity but mental activity too that I am considering.
Also, my point is not about "you have to have non-Indian friends", it is about you need to keep an open mind to have non-Indian friends. It is normal to have really close friends who are Bengalis because at the end of the day you would like to share some common memories and talk on common grounds. One of my closest friends from university whom I am still in touch with is a girl from Bangladesh. It was the common speaking language that was the first thing to bring us close.
Post a Comment