???

If God comes before me (well, the pre-condition is becoming very strong here), let us suppose that such a thing IS possible, then what would I ask for?? Obviously the things or situations I ask for are the ones I would like to see myself in. How do I want to see myself?? I asked that to myself during a quiet time this evening. I really didnt think like this before...
I dont know what my good qualities are, neither do I know what qualities are considered "good", they seem to vary with time, relative "good deeds", nothing is "absolute" about those, so I cant really ask God to make me a "better" person. So does that mean I am very happy the way I am?? Am I perfect?? No, I am not perfect, but I like myself like this. My positives and negatives together make me who I am... a unique being in this whole wide Universe.
Yes, I know, if I were more sincere, then I would have done much better in my studies, if I were more nice and sweet, people would have loved me, if I were soft spoken, that would have made me a better person...(there are many more if-statements I guess, should try to put a nested-if loop) but, I cant change...I am what I am...what can I do to it?? I wouldn't even ask God to make me a better, nicer, sweeter girl. I am ok.
What about looks?? I dont know whether I care for looks. Girls do. I think I care a lot about my hair but I dont really spend a lot of time to do it. Natural looks, the look I was born with will definitely suit me the most. There also I am happy the way I look, for that's what my individuality is about.
I see myself in two strange visions...one is me climbing up a hilly road through a forest. It is dark, and raining. I am in my old pair of jeans and and old shirt, with a backpack and a dog is there beside me, or I am carrying my teddy-bear. I am climbing up with much difficulty and I am tired, but I dont know where I am going. I am certainly not a rock-climber and the weather is not good for hiking either...I dont know what this signifies...struggle perhaps?? The teddy or the dog signifies love without any expectations...those who love me exactly the way I am. I dont have any idea about the old jeans...that might mean "not caring about looks"...
The second vision is a beautiful one...that is actually something I want to experience in my life. I see myself, sitting on top of a rocky island, with the whole expanse of the ocean stretched below my feet. The waves crash by the island, and on top, there is the whole dome of the black night sky filled with myriads of stars!!! "Mahabishwe, mahakashe, mahakal majhe, ami manab ekaki bhromi bishmoye"...if I get to experience this before I die, I will be the happiest person.
The night sky can take away all my sorrows, all my tears...disappointments, rejections, insults, loneliness, lose their power when I see the vision. I dont see myself sitting and laughing there, I see myself thinking...reflecting, introspecting.
If God wants me to ask for something, I'll say that I need to have my way of appreciating such things like the moon over north pole and man's conquering of Mt. Everest, my power of thinking, the way it hurts me when I see people suffer. And I want kids and animals to love me. If these things are there with me, I dont need to care what else I do in my life.
To say about love, I want to add a line to my life. If someone loves me the way I am, without compulsion of family bonding or other obligations, then I DO NEED to realize that it is the BEST gift I can ever get in my life. I need to love him and cherish him as God's gift to my life.