"the silver sound of bridal bells..."

There are a very few stories in the world where the sequel is as good as or better than the first one. Louisa May Alcott's "Good wives" definitely is among them. Some parts become more relevant to a girl as she grows up and faces the bitter-sweet things of life, heartaches being numero uno!!! "In the garret", a poem written by Jo in "Good Wives" is one of my favourite poems and I am found to quote that in many places. Mostly I quote Jo's part...but now something is different, I am found to quote Amy's part..."Upon the last lid's polished field, legend now both fair and true. A gallant knight bears on his shield-- 'Amy' in letters gold and blue." I love this...someone up north is bearing on his shield my name too :-)
In "Rebecca", the girl once talked about bottling up memories...if only we could bottle the good times up and then take a look or sniff at them later...I like the idea...I would have cherished this time of my life forever.
Getting married is one of the most important phases of every human's life, but for a Bengali girl it is of IMMENSE importance. I was never a sterotypical bengali girl, and these couple of years of grad-school in USA have taken away the remnants but deep down somewhere I am so very bengali and so proud of being a bengali girl too. In early days, the girls used to leave their home and go to the family of someone whom they never had met before. In my case it's ofcourse not the same, and I left home for grad school before I planned to get married, so I really dont have any reason to feel worried, but I AM worried. there are feelings for which we dont know the reason, and this is one of them.
Dont think I am just feeling worried, I am feeling 90% happy :-) It is actually so unbelievable that I am getting married...!!! I, Ria, the girl who used to run down the staircases, jumping 2 steps at a time with pigtails flying, is getting MARRIED!!! INCREDIBLE!!! I seriously cannot picturize myself in a grown-up world, talking to my in-laws...oh no!!!! Moreover, there will be a guy with me all day...there will be shaving cream and razor in the bathroom,"not-so-good-looking" shoes all around, shirts and heavy jeans in the laundry, smells of guys perfume in the room!! I will have to visit the men's section of stores to find one particular grey or blue shirt...someone will be enthusiastically talking about cars and watches and spend sleepless nights watching football...strange life!!! Great change for a girl's life...but this is making me happy, because this guy is the one I love, this guy is my Arnab!!!

I have many things to learn now. Nowadays, though we say that career is more important to family, (I was one of the leading feminists in high school and college) I personally feel now, that family is more important (provided you have a loving and caring husband)!!! There was a reason God made me a woman, and I can feel that now. The love, the care I feel in myself when I think about Arnab, the way I want to depend on him...these all make me feel so happy and proud. I am having a wonderful feeling which I cannot articulate. Perhaps it is one of the best feelings a girl can experience as she blossoms into a woman. When she feels the love of the man she loves...when she hears "the silver sound of bridal bells in the falling summer rain".

???

If God comes before me (well, the pre-condition is becoming very strong here), let us suppose that such a thing IS possible, then what would I ask for?? Obviously the things or situations I ask for are the ones I would like to see myself in. How do I want to see myself?? I asked that to myself during a quiet time this evening. I really didnt think like this before...
I dont know what my good qualities are, neither do I know what qualities are considered "good", they seem to vary with time, relative "good deeds", nothing is "absolute" about those, so I cant really ask God to make me a "better" person. So does that mean I am very happy the way I am?? Am I perfect?? No, I am not perfect, but I like myself like this. My positives and negatives together make me who I am... a unique being in this whole wide Universe.
Yes, I know, if I were more sincere, then I would have done much better in my studies, if I were more nice and sweet, people would have loved me, if I were soft spoken, that would have made me a better person...(there are many more if-statements I guess, should try to put a nested-if loop) but, I cant change...I am what I am...what can I do to it?? I wouldn't even ask God to make me a better, nicer, sweeter girl. I am ok.
What about looks?? I dont know whether I care for looks. Girls do. I think I care a lot about my hair but I dont really spend a lot of time to do it. Natural looks, the look I was born with will definitely suit me the most. There also I am happy the way I look, for that's what my individuality is about.
I see myself in two strange visions...one is me climbing up a hilly road through a forest. It is dark, and raining. I am in my old pair of jeans and and old shirt, with a backpack and a dog is there beside me, or I am carrying my teddy-bear. I am climbing up with much difficulty and I am tired, but I dont know where I am going. I am certainly not a rock-climber and the weather is not good for hiking either...I dont know what this signifies...struggle perhaps?? The teddy or the dog signifies love without any expectations...those who love me exactly the way I am. I dont have any idea about the old jeans...that might mean "not caring about looks"...
The second vision is a beautiful one...that is actually something I want to experience in my life. I see myself, sitting on top of a rocky island, with the whole expanse of the ocean stretched below my feet. The waves crash by the island, and on top, there is the whole dome of the black night sky filled with myriads of stars!!! "Mahabishwe, mahakashe, mahakal majhe, ami manab ekaki bhromi bishmoye"...if I get to experience this before I die, I will be the happiest person.
The night sky can take away all my sorrows, all my tears...disappointments, rejections, insults, loneliness, lose their power when I see the vision. I dont see myself sitting and laughing there, I see myself thinking...reflecting, introspecting.
If God wants me to ask for something, I'll say that I need to have my way of appreciating such things like the moon over north pole and man's conquering of Mt. Everest, my power of thinking, the way it hurts me when I see people suffer. And I want kids and animals to love me. If these things are there with me, I dont need to care what else I do in my life.
To say about love, I want to add a line to my life. If someone loves me the way I am, without compulsion of family bonding or other obligations, then I DO NEED to realize that it is the BEST gift I can ever get in my life. I need to love him and cherish him as God's gift to my life.